Thursday Sep 23 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Larry Summers, President Obama's top economic adviser, is stepping down. Finally, some good economic news.

Paris Hilton was denied entry into Japan because of her recent drug conviction. So if you count math, there are two areas where the Japanese are smarter than us.

Happy birthday to the world's oldest man, an American turning 114 years old. He spent yesterday doing what he normally does: Throwing passes to his Vikings teammates.

It's being reported that Cher has hired a Hollywood screenwriter to turn her life story into a Broadway musical. Even gay guys are like, "OK, this is too much."

Late Show with David Letterman

I was up late last night watching Dick Clark’s “Rockin’ Autumnal Equinox.”

Cab drivers are now illegally overcharging you for made-up charges. I was in a cab today and I was charged $11 for shipping and handling.

Christine O’Donnell promised that if she’s elected to the Senate for Delaware, she’ll cast a spell on healthcare.

The Republicans announced their pledge to Americans, which includes less taxes, smaller government, and, if you act now, they’ll throw in the Dean Martin Roast of Frank Sinatra.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Secrets Revealed In The New Bob Woodward Book

Thoughtfully-written foreword by Osama Bin Laden
In White House cafeteria, Wednesday is Taco Night
Work comes to a halt during "Jersey Shore"
Joe Biden can fit 11 golf balls in his mouth
Includes 20 pages of Woodward's favorite pit barbecue recipes
Obama keeps staffers in line by constantly threatening to call Mavrikakis
The CIA knew the Joaquin Phoenix thing was fake
White House is haunted by the ghost of Dick Cheney
Administration considered combining Iraq and Afghanistan into one big unmanageable country called "Iraqnifstan"
America loves dancing alpacas
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The Liberace Museum is closing after 31 years. Liberace was all about glitz and glamour and putting on a great show. He was the polar opposite of me.

A lot of museums are closing down in this economy, including the Mel Gibson Museum of Tolerance and the Arizona Museum of Mexican History.

Liberace was the Steven Tyler of his today, except more macho.

I used to love to go to the museum to hear Liberace’s music, reflect on his life, and get ideas for outfits.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Blockbuster video filed for bankruptcy. Experts say it had something to do with the fact that no one in America has rented a video since 1999. Now, where are we going to get a bag of microwave popcorn for $9?

There are bedbug infestations all over the country. I always thought bedbugs were imaginary, like Eskimos. Then I found out they’re real, and they bite — like Eskimos.

“Sesame Street” announced that it’s pulling a music video featuring Elmo and Katy Perry because her outfit was too revealing, even though these Muppets are running around naked all the time.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Sarah Palin said she would run for president if nobody else steps up. Which explains why today, nearly every person in the country announced they’re running for president.

Vice President Biden held a conference call with senior citizens to talk about healthcare. Seniors started the conference call confused about how healthcare works, and ended up more confused about how conference calls work.

The pastor of a mega-church in Georgia is being accused of using jewelry to lure three men into sexual relationships. Although if a guy is willing to be with another guy for jewelry, something tells me he didn’t have to be lured all that much.

Scientists in Utah have discovered a new species of dinosaur believed to have the most horns of any dinosaur in history. Experts called it the horniest dinosaur ever — and then Larry King said, "Well, I had a good run.”

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