Wednesday Sep 22 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The economy is so bad, Justin Bieber had to get a paper route.

Bad news for Paris Hilton. She was denied entry into Japan. Even worse news: She's coming back here.

Researchers at the University of Maryland report the state is being invaded by stinkbugs. It's so bad that if you close your eyes and breathe, you think you're in New Jersey.

I wanted to watch "Dancing With the Stars" last night, but I have Direct TV and I signed up for the "heterosexual programming package."

Late Show with David Letterman

You can tell it’s autumn because Christine O’Donnell used her cauldron to make chowder.

The premiere of “Hawaii Five-0” was a great episode. The cops were looking around and they accidentally stumbled upon Obama’s birth certificate.

According to experts, the recession is over. Is it really over or is it just pulling a Leno?

The world’s oldest man celebrates his 114th birthday today. If you want to buy him a present, hurry.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things Overheard This Week At The United Nations

“Hey Gadhafi, help me out here. Do you spell your name with a ‘K,’ a ‘G,’ or a ‘Q?’”
“Knock off the fist pumping.”
“Wrap it up, Chavez. We have tickets to see ‘Billy Elliot.’”
“Remember the year Don Rickles dropped his pants and fired a rocket?”
“We must join together to answer the question the entire world is asking . . . What is the event?”
“I really only came to New York for Late Show’s dancing animals week.”
“Hummus! Who needs hummus?”
“Geez, they gave Jim Belushi another show?”
“No, President Bush, this is not EPCOT.”
“Forget the world, how about fixing the Mets?”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

“American Idol” announced its new judges are J.Lo and Steven Tyler. If you add Ryan Seacrest to that, it’s starting to look like “The View.”

J.Lo and Steven Tyler are different. One is a street kid that turned into a beautiful woman and the other is J.Lo.

It’s the autumnal equinox. I always celebrate by wearing a shimmering jumpsuit. I call it “the sequinox.”

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The airline industry expects to make $6 million more in profits this year than originally expected. Mostly because eight more people plan to check their bags this year.

Speaking of air travel, I just read that the average price for a roundtrip ticket on Thanksgiving is 10 percent higher this year than it was in 2009. However, lying to your relatives and saying you're too sick to make it? Still free.

On Nov. 9, Susan Boyle is going to release her new album, “The Gift.” Although, you might know it by its more common title, “The Re-Gift.”

Everybody’s talking about Bob Woodward’s new book, “Obama’s Wars.” In the book, he says Joe Biden called Middle East advisor Richard Holbrooke “the most egotistical bastard I’ve ever met.” Then Rahm Emanuel was like, “What am I, invisible?”

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