Tuesday Sep 21 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The Dolphins beat the Vikings 14-10. It was a tough game for Brett Favre, who lost a fumble — and his dentures and reading glasses.

I saw the new movie “Devil.” Or, as Christine O’Donnell calls it, “Roots.”

Christine O’Donnell said she dabbled in witchcraft and her opponent, Chris Coons, had no comment. He wanted to comment but he lost his voice, went blind, and came down with boils.

They say the recession ended in June of last year. What they don’t tell you is that the next recession began in July of last year.

Late Show with David Letterman

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is in New York City. He received a chilly reception and I said, “Welcome to the club.”

Ahmadinejad was ranting about everything, including the United States, Obama, and the premiere of “Hawaii Five-0.”

Bristol Palin performed a cha-cha on “Dancing With the Stars.” She received a score of 18 out of 30 points. Which is about the same as her mom did in the debates.

Experts say the recession is over. Earlier today, they were popping champagne at the unemployment office.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Qualities Every North Korean Dictator Must Possess

Don’t panic when you get a knot in your thing
One hundred percent of voter support in sham elections
You gotta work it, girl
Mastery of witchcraft (Oh, I’m sorry. That’s if you’re running for Senate in Delaware)
Wisdom of Kim Il Sung, leadership of Kim Jong Il, slammin’ booty of Kim Kardashian
Must have two pieces of identification for Janice in human resources
No No. 4 — writer imprisoned by North Korean dictator
Can be a spot-starter or available for long relief
Ability to win hearts and minds of citizens through reason, empathy, and a crotch-zapping torture box
Crazy Elvis hair and Larry King glasses
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The premiere of “Hawaii Five-0” was watched by 13.8 million people. For an idea of how many people that is, take the amount of people watching this show and add 13.8 million.

When I go to Hawaii, I always bring my scuba gear. Like when I go to Arizona, I always bring my papers.

This show does well with certain demographics. We don’t do well with pirates, though.

The most coveted demographic is 18-49 years old. I’m 48, which means I only have one year left of being coveted.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Sarah Palin said she would be in the audience for Bristol Palin’s appearance on “Dancing With the Stars,” but wasn’t there. It’s not like her to commit to something and then back out.

Christine O’Donnell, on the “The O’Reilly Factor” in 2007, claimed that scientific companies were breeding mice with “fully functional human brains.” I think they’re actually putting mice brains in the Republican Senate nominees for Delaware.

A new list of words were added to the Oxford American English Dictionary. I guess they have to sell dictionaries and if you leave the words the same every year, there’s no reason to buy one.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Bristol Palin made her debut on “Dancing With the Stars,” and after a lot of speculation, Sarah Palin was not there to see it in person. However, she could see it from her house.

President Obama’s aide had to step in and pay more money after Obama only gave a fruit vendor a dollar for four apples. The aide said it was awkward having to pay Obama's bill, then China was like, "You'll get used to it.”

ABC is developing a new drama about pilots and flight attendants. The show is scheduled to air at 8:00 p.m., so it'll probably get going around 9:43.

Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell is taking criticism because she said she once dabbled in witchcraft. O’Donnell was like, "If one more person claims I’m a witch, I will take legal action against them — and their little dog, too.”

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