Monday Sep 20 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Al-Qaida’s No. 2 has released another tape in which he criticized the Pakistani government. He calls them incompetent and corrupt, and demands that they be thrown out of office. Sounds like they have a tea party over there too.

When the Pope met the Queen of England, they both said the same thing to each other: “Nice hat.”

More high schools are cutting out gym classes to make room for increased requirements in math and science. So now, when our kids get fat and fall down, they’ll at least know the science behind it.

Apparently the recession ended last June. So for those of you that are still broke and without a job, it’s all in your head.

Late Show with David Letterman

World leaders at the U.N. agreed on one thing: Superman has got to do more.

Iranian President Ahmadinejad is in New York. You know he hates Jews and gay people. Boy, is he in the wrong place.

Mayor Bloomberg has only bought two pairs of shoes in 10 years. He spends all his money on lifts.

Christine O’Donnell says that she once had a date on a Satanic altar. Well, who hasn’t?

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Sarah Palin tweeted a warning to Christine O’Donnell that the national media is seeking her destruction. That is ridiculous. If the media wanted to destroy her, they would just douse her with water.

I like Christine O’Donnell. She’s good-looking and she’s hilarious. I haven’t had this much fun since Cheney was in office.

O’Donnell said that Hollywood needs to re-evaluate what they’re doing because movies these days are all filled with gay sex and extramarital affairs. I thought, “Have fun in Congress then.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Justin Bieber was spotted at a Hooters restaurant in Canada. I don’t think 16-year-olds should be hanging out at Hooters. They should be dabbling in witchcraft, like Christine O’Donnell.

An arrest warrant was issued for Lindsay Lohan after she failed a court-ordered drug test. Maybe that’s what she meant when she said she wanted to be “more positive.”

After pleading guilty to cocaine possession, Paris Hilton was ordered to pay a $2,000 fine, which is what one of her shoes costs.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Traffic here in New York was backed up today because of the U.N. General Assembly’s annual meeting. You could hardly get anywhere or do anything. It was almost like being in the U.N.

There are rumors going around that Facebook is building a cell phone. It’s pretty good, except you can only use it to call people you barely remember from high school.

A Frenchman named Philippe Croizon with no arms or legs swam across the English Channel in less than 14 hours. In related news, I watched four hours of the Home Shopping Network because I couldn’t find the remote and the TV was over 5 feet away.

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