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Wednesday Nov 04 2009

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The Democratic Party has a new slogan: “What happened?”

Not a good night for President Obama. He lost elections in Virginia, New Jersey, and he’s not doing good in Afghanistan either.

In fact, political experts are now calling this his worst setback since he tried that bowling thing.

Some pictures of President Obama on the Internet seem to show the president looking very thin. People are saying that he looks too thin. But the White House doctors say not to worry, Barack Obama is one of those guys who can eat whatever they wants and still not gain weight. Yet another reason for Rush Limbaugh to hate him.

Conan

Yesterday was Election Day, and the people of New Jersey elected a new governor. I don’t know how he did it, but congratulations to newly elected New Jersey Gov. Hamid Karzai.

Yesterday, voters in the state of Maine voted no to gay marriage, but yes to medical marijuana. That’s right — people in Maine believe marriage should be a sacred institution between a really stoned man and a really stoned woman.

There’s a new book out about Sarah Palin that contains a copy of the speech she would have given if John McCain had won and she had become vice-president. The speech is entitled “Uh-Oh.

Today Chrysler unveiled its five-year business plan. Apparently, the first part of the plan is “Be Around in Five Years.”

Late Show with David Letterman

Big losses for the Democrats yesterday. Here’s how bad it was: Earlier today, Democratic leaders were begging Rush Limbaugh for painkillers.

Bad year for Democrats. This is all they have left: the presidency, both houses of Congress . . . and all of Hollywood. That’s all.

There’s a new governor for New Jersey. He looks like a guy from New Jersey. He looks like the guy who would say, “What are you punks doing? If you make any trouble we’ll dump you in the Hudson.”

Mayor Bloomberg was elected for a third term. The losing candidate, Bill Thompson, assembled his transition team to help ease him from obscurity to oblivion.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Paying $24

10.
900 For A World Series Ticket
9.
Does it include parking?
8.
Is this as dumb as the time I spent 50 grand on Huey Lewis tickets?
7.
Is this as dumb as the time I spent 50 grand on Huey Lewis tickets?
6.
Is it a bad sign when even Donald Trump says, "That's too much"?
5.
Don't they say, "If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is"?
4.
Is it a better deal than spending $180 per vote to win the New York City mayoral election?
3.
Should I spend the $24,900 on a couple of beers instead?
2.
Would this make more sense if I were a baseball fan?
1.
Do I still get to sit behind drunk, shirtless, fat guys?
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Everyone’s talking about the election results in Maine. They voted for medical marijuana, but against gay marriage. I think voters were worried that guys would get so high they’d accidently marry each other.

The largest cruise ship ever built set sail for the first time — from Finland to Miami. It’s passing though the English Channel right now. The channel spans England and France. We used to take a hovercraft to cross the channel into France, until they built the tunnel, or as it’s called, the “chunnel.” They weren’t going to build it because, and this is true, the English were worried about French rats coming to England. Some actually did make the trip, but they tasted the English food and they scurried back.

The ship has a park, golf courses, a shopping mall . . . all the things you can do on land with the added excitement of possibly sinking.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Today is the one-year anniversary of Barack Obama being elected president. This is interesting: He has seven half-siblings around the world. One of these is coming out with a book in which he talks about their father being abusive. He’d make his kids lie to police about being trapped in a runaway balloon.

When are they going to arrest that guy who said his kid was in that runaway balloon? If he’s not a flight risk, who is?

The half-brother’s book is called, “From Nairobi to Shenzhen,” and it’s already been named an official selection of Oprah’s Half-Sister’s Book Club.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

In election news, President Obama called and congratulated Republican Bob McDonnell after he won the governorship in Virginia. Obama then moved Virginia to the bottom of the swine flu vaccine waiting-list.

Michelle Obama took daughters Sasha and Malia to a Miley Cyrus concert. After the show, they got a poster, a T-shirt, and her autograph. And that was just the stuff for Joe Biden.

Happy 40th birthday to “Sesame Street.” It’s getting so old, it’s now being brought to you by the letters A, A, R, and P.

 
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