Police were forced to escort three fans out of the U.S. Open after a brawl broke out. When is this wealthy-white-guy-on-wealthy-white-guy violence going to end?
U.S. commanders in Afghanistan are ending their zero-tolerance policy on corruption and allowing local officials who are on our side to be “moderately” corrupt. It’s the same policy we have in Congress.
President Obama will be laying out a new economic plan. Apparently, we had an old economic plan.
Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer stopped speaking during an interview and stared blankly at the camera for 30 seconds. The good news is, she’s now eligible to be governor of Alaska.
This summer went by faster than Lindsay Lohan’s rehab.
The roads in New York City are terrible. On Eighth Ave., there’s a pothole so big, there are 33 miners trapped in it.
Mayor Bloomberg may join President Obama’s administration. If he does, it will cost about $3 million. They’ll have to lower every door knob in the place.
Earlier, I was on “The View” explaining how I thought the cocaine in my purse was chewing gum.
Top Ten Things That Have Been On Ellen DeGeneres' Mind Lately
"Now that everyone knows I can dance, I should show 'em how I can play the harp"
"What's the point of quitting ‘American Idol’ if Randy keeps calling me?"
"For the last time, I'm not Jane Lynch, I'm the other one!"
"I can't believe I only have one season left to get tickets for Oprah"
"I never should have let Paris Hilton hold my purse"
"Damn you Apple for releasing the new iPod right after I bought the old one"
"Only 318 more days until Shark Week"
"Why the hell did Dave go on 'The View?' What's wrong with my show?"
Barbara Walters was back on “The View” after heart surgery. The doctor said she’ll make a full recovery as long as she avoids stress, loud noises, and arguments.
Lady Gaga is on a magazine cover wearing a bikini made of raw meat. I’d be grossed out if that was on my skin. And the meat is pretty gross too.
Animal rights activists are mad at Lady Gaga for using meat like that but Larry King is like, “Be on my show, I love brisket.”
Why should we spend money educating all these kids when there are no jobs for us? We’re training our own competition.
Paris Hilton was arrested for cocaine possession, which is like arresting Bill Cosby for eating Jell-O.
Rodney King has announced that he will marry one of the jurors from the trial that awarded him millions of dollars from the city of Los Angeles. If Judge Ito doesn’t preside over this, there’s something wrong with this town.
It’s rumored that White House gatecrasher Michaele Salahi is going to pose nude in Playboy. Salahi said her main motivation for posing in Playboy is the fact that no one’s invited her to.
Dr. Oz had a colonoscopy on the set of the Season 2 premiere of his talk show today. So I just want to say to my camera guys, you could have it much worse.
A new report found that 40 percent of kids in New York City are overweight or obese. While the other 60 percent are just both.
Ryanair wants to get rid of co-pilots and replace them with computers and flight attendants. If we’ve learned anything in the last month, it’s that flight attendants are totally stable and don’t make any rash decisions that could endanger lives.