Thursday Sep 02 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Paris Hilton is banned from the Wynn Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas. I’m not sure what Paris is banned for but I think we can rule out card counting.

This is the worst thing to ever happen to Paris Hilton. Now, when she’s in Vegas, she may actually have to stay at the Hilton.

The homeless population in New York City has gone up 50 percent in just the last year. Advocates say it’s true that a lot of the homeless people are drug addicts and alcoholics, but most, of course, are investors.

Michael Lohan, father of Lindsay Lohan, tells Radar Online that he’s moving to California to open a drug and alcohol rehab center. I guess he’s serious about wanting to spend more time with his family.

Late Show with David Letterman

It’s already autumn. Summer went by faster than Lindsay Lohan’s rehab.

The cemetery is full, they’ve run out of plots. Well, “CSI” ran out of plots years ago.

New York City is infested with bed bugs. If you have bed bugs, please make sure they’re spayed and neutered.

The CBS cafeteria was given a “C” by the health department. Even the Mentalist couldn’t determine what was in the chili.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The guy that tried to destroy David Letterman was let out of prison today. I was like, “Really? Jay Leno was in prison?”

Hurricanes are like divorces. They both leave you miserable with a lot less stuff.

CNN said a lot about the hurricane but I didn’t hear it because I was lost in the eyes of Anderson Cooper.

The hurricane might disrupt the Middle East peace talks, which would be bad because this time, I really thought they were going to work it out.

Jimmy Kimmel Live


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The maker of Botox has been ordered to pay $600 million after marketing the drug for unapproved uses. In a statement, Botox said, “Even if it's hard to tell from our expression, we are extremely disappointed by this decision."

At the White House yesterday, President Obama told Israelis and Palestinians to reach a peace deal because they might not get another chance soon. That’s not really a peace plan. That’s how you get a 5-year-old to use the bathroom.

An airline in Sweden plans to host the first-ever in-flight gay wedding in December. The entire flight crew is excited for the event, although the right wing isn’t happy about it.

A man here in New York was robbed at an off-track betting parlor after cashing in a $29 thousand winning ticket. The man said it sucks to win and get absolutely nothing for it. To which horses were like, “Yeah, that must really be terrible.”

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