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Wednesday Sep 01 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Before President Obama’s address, he called former President Bush. I’m not saying the economy is bad, but he called collect.

President Obama said that too many Americans are struggling to find jobs. You know what these Americans are going to be called? Democrats.

Mexico has captured one of its most notorious drug lords, called “the Barbie.” Still on the loose are Beanie Baby and Tickle Me Elmo.

A new study showed that heavy drinkers live longer than non-drinkers. Finally, some good news for David Hasselhoff.

Late Show with David Letterman

It’s so hot today that Paris Hilton was arrested for possession of sorbet.

Hurricane Earl could hit New York City. The wind is so strong, they think it might blow away the bed bugs.

I saw Donald Trump backstage and it’s so hot back there, that thing on his head was panting.

Tiger Woods finalized his divorce. The settlement was brutal, but every other week, he gets to go visit his money.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs Your Monkey Has A Drinking Problem

10
He slurs his grunting
9
Was just asked to be on the next season of "Monkey Rehab"
8
Been hanging out with Paris Hilton
7
Doesn't care for bananas unless they're in a daiquiri
6
Been hanging out with Lindsay Lohan
5
Came home without his tail and has no memory of where he lost it
4
Been hanging out with David Hasselhoff
3
You smell liquor on his breath while he's picking the nits out of your hair
2
Been hanging out with Mel Gibson
1
Can't stop sneezing
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

I like when the kids go back to school. The house is quiet, the kids are out all day, there’s no line for “Dance Dance Revolution” at Chuck E. Cheese.

If you want to get ahead in life, there’s nothing better than having a good education. Or wealthy parents.

A newspaper is a thing that people used to read. It’s like a website, but all the information is from yesterday.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Rerun

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

“America’s Got Talent” was the highest rated show last night, despite a 30-minute delay from President Obama’s speech. I actually thought the speech was part of the show. I was like, "Man, this guy is a terrible magician. Not doing tricks or anything!"

A new survey found that 30 percent of parents get bored playing with their kids. That explains my parents’ favorite game to play with me: “hide & stay.”

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg turned down a chance to be on “Dancing With the Stars” this fall. Zuckerberg said he just didn’t have what it takes to appear on the show — you know, debt.

Beaches in Italy are now training dogs to become lifeguards. That should work as long as someone throws a tennis ball at you while you’re drowning.

 
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