Tuesday Aug 31 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama was in New Orleans for the fifth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Halfway through his speech, FEMA finally showed up.

President Obama said he can’t walk around with his birth certificate plastered on his forehead. Apparently he was reacting to new polls that show 1 in 5 Kenyans now believe he was born in Hawaii.

Paris Hilton told police that she thought the cocaine found in her purse was gum. Well, she also thought her last CD was music.

Congress is very upset with Roger Clemens because they feel like they were lied to. Good! Now they know how we feel.

Late Show with David Letterman

In New York City, there’s a shortage of burial plots. At Grant’s Tomb, Grant now has a roommate.

Paris Hilton was arrested with cocaine and she claimed that she thought it was chewing gum. She was charged with possession of less than an ounce of common sense.

Tiger Woods’ divorce is final and he bought an apartment in New York City. It’s making New Yorkers forget about the whole mosque thing.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things Never Before Said In An Oval Office Address

"Gotta keep this short because I'm going on another vacation"
"Watch how fast I can spin in my chair . . . Wee!"
"Who wants Justin Bieber tickets?"
"Tonight's Oval Office address has been brought to you by Jimmy Dean Pure Pork Sausages"
"Kneel before General Zod!"
"Now I'd like to share a poignant story about Frank Sinatra"
"Earlier today I met with Vice President, Secretary of State, and Late Show audio technician Tom Herrmann"
"CAA sent over lunch. There are steaks and sandwiches in the conference room"
"Just back from a pleasure trip — took my mother-in-law to the airport. Hiyo!"
"Just like most of America, I'd rather be watching 'Glee'"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Tiger Woods just bought an apartment in Manhattan. What better place to practice golf and resist the temptations of single life?

New York is facing an infestation of disgusting and impossible-to-kill pests. That’s right, the cast of “Jersey Shore” is in town.

Millions of bed bugs were found inside the Empire State Building. That’s one step too far, bed bugs.

Bed bugs can live up to a year without feeding. They’re like supermodels.

Jimmy Kimmel Live


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that heavy drinkers outlive non-drinkers, but the ways they die are far more embarrassing.

Paris Hilton was arrested for cocaine possession. This charge could be serious. She may face up to six months of being talked about again.

Justin Bieber is performing at the state fair after canceling his last show due to an “illness.” Doctors now have the zit under control.

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