Thursday Aug 12 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama told a crowd in Austin, Texas that if you want to go forward, you put your car in “D,” and if you want to move backward, you put your car in “R.” But the economy is still “F-ed.”

The economy is so bad right now, a lot of women in Beverly Hills are being forced to marry for love.

If women have excessive belly fat and a muffin-top, it can be fatal. Especially if you mention it to her.

There's a new movie “Eat, Pray, Love.” Not to be confused with a movie about Eliot Spitzer, which is “Eat, Pay, Love.”

Late Show with David Letterman


The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It was on this day in 1887 that Thomas Edison invented the phonograph, which is what people used to listen to music before music was all garbage.

Edison also invented the light bulb. Before the light bulb, when people had great ideas, a candle would appear above their head.

Camden, N.J. is shutting down all of its libraries. It’s not due to budget issues, it’s just that the mayor saw “Jersey Shore,” and said, “What’s the point?”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

We’ve been following Steven Slater, the JetBlue flight attendant that made a daring escape — from employment.

Slater cursed at a passenger, grabbed a couple beers, and went down the inflatable escape slide, which raises the question: Why don’t we always go down the escape slide?

Passengers are now saying Slater was confrontational and may have been drinking, to which I say, don’t be a Slater-hater.

One group of people that can’t complain about their jobs is the cast of “Jersey Shore.” Getting drunk and cursing people out is their job on that show.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Denny’s has a new sandwich called the Fried Cheese Melt, which comes with deep-fried mozzarella sticks inside a grilled cheese. It’s so good, it’ll have all your friends saying, “Clear!”

Facebook is said to be working on a check-in feature so that your friends can see your location. Though I think everyone knows, if you’re on Facebook, you’re at work.

I’ll be hosting the Emmy Awards and you know what that means: I’m not nominated.

A 10-year-old girl that wowed the judges on “America’s Got Talent” is being called the next Susan Boyle. Kids can be so cruel.

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