Tuesday Aug 03 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The premier of “Jersey Shore” was the most watched cable program of the year. The bad news: The premier of “Jersey Shore” was the most watched cable program of the year.

Nancy Pelosi said that when it comes to cleaning up government, the Democrats have drained the swamp. The only problem with that is what’s left after you drain the swamp: snakes everywhere.

It was announced that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have broken up. These two have called it quits more times than Brett Favre.

Scientists say that a blast of charged particles from the sun is hurtling toward the Earth and should reach us in a couple of days. How tanned will the cast of “Jersey Shore” be after that?

Late Show with David Letterman

It was so nice out today that Mel Gibson released a tirade of pleasantries.

Justin Bieber is 16 years old, and he’s writing his memoir. Part one will be about the early years.

Experts in the Gulf of Mexico say they are having trouble finding the oil and they think it’s under water. They don’t call them experts for nothing.

It’s President Obama’s birthday tomorrow. He’ll be 49 years old. Yea right, if he had a birth certificate.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Questions On The "American Idol" Judge Application

Sup dawg?
Do you enjoy crushing people's dreams on national television?
You my dawg?
On a scale of 1 to 10, how annoying is Ryan Seacrest?
Can you tell me when a dawg is pitchy, dawg?
You're not going to go all Paula Abdul on us, are you?
Do you have your papers in case we do an audition show in Arizona?
Are you related to any Gagas?
Will you need a separate dressing room for your butt? (Jennifer Lopez only)
You're aware the show is rigged, right?
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

England’s Prince William and his girlfriend are 12th cousins, which means they might not be able to get married. We don’t want any of these royals to look like Prince Charles.

There’s very big news from the world of dinosaurs. Brett Favre is retiring from football.

Scientists are saying that the triceratops may never have existed. Next will be the brontosaurus and the stegosaurus and the next thing you know, my pajamas are covered in lies.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It’s “Shark Week” on the Discovery Channel. Every year, my kids and I dress up in our shark costumes and go trick-or-treating for fish guts.

Shark attacks are very rare. Statistically, you’re more likely to be attacked by Charlie Sheen than a shark.

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have apparently broken up again. Less than a month after announcing their engagement, Bristol called it off faster than you can say, “Mom, put the gun down.”

I think that, with the right amount of love, patience, and a 12-episode guarantee from a reality show on VH1, those two can end up engaged again one day.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

There are false rumors on the Internet that Bill Cosby died. Not true. Bill Cosby himself called in to “Larry King Live” last night to tell guest host Kyra Phillips that he was still alive. Unfortunately, the call was interrupted when Larry King called in to do the same thing.

President Obama announced his plan to remove all combat troops from Iraq by the end of August. So thank you to all the men and women serving in Iraq and “Good luck in Afghanistan!”

A 113-year-old woman who is the oldest person in Tokyo has gone missing. Did anybody check heaven?

A company in Britain is releasing a new cell phone with a ringtone as loud as a vuvuzela. They say it’s the perfect way to tell the people around you, “Punch me in the face.”

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