Monday Aug 02 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

A survey says that people from New Jersey are sick and tired of being asked about the TV show “Jersey Shore.” They would rather go back to the old Jersey question, “What’s that horrible smell?”

Do you know that $8.7 billion of our money has gone missing in Iraq? I didn’t even know they had a Goldman Sachs over there.

Three convicted murderers escaped from a prison in Arizona. The governor told the people, “Don’t worry, all three murderers are American citizens.”

Us magazine is reporting that Levi Johnston wants to get a GED. Or whatever they call that thing women use to not get pregnant.

Late Show with David Letterman

When Lindsay Lohan gets out of prison, she’s not allowed within 25 feet of a blender.

Snooki from “Jersey Shore” was arrested for punching a cop. President Obama stepped in. He invited them both to the White House for a beer.

Big changes for “American Idol.” The winner of the competition will now be chosen by Paul the Psychic Octopus.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Surprises At Chelsea Clinton’s Wedding

Rehearsal dinner held at the Rhinebeck Denny’s
Al Gore kept asking bridesmaids for massage
Cash gifts went to pay Hillary’s campaign debt
Due to double booking, reception shared space with Benjy Rosenthal Bar Mitzvah
Snooki punched the DJ
Minister and rabbi told hilarious story about the time they walked into a bar
Roger Clinton was working as the bartender
Ceremony was so expensive, President Obama offered a government bailout — We’ll be right back with jaywalking, folks!
Madeleine Albright can open a Heineken bottle with her thighs
Bill Clinton is still at the bachelor party
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The man who invented the cheese doodle has died. To celebrate his life, everyone at the funeral left an orange fingerprint on his coffin.

It just goes to show, there’s only so long that you can Cheeto death.

The first time I came in contact with a reef shark, I was terrified. Let’s just say, I wouldn’t want to be the guy wearing the wetsuit after me.

Apparently the best way to stop a shark attack is to poke them in the eye. It’s very comforting to know the difference between life and death is a move perfected by The Three Stooges.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Snooki from “Jersey Shore” was arrested for disorderly conduct in Seaside Heights, New Jersey. That’s like arresting the sun for rising.

A shark washed up on a beach in New Jersey. I guess they’re coming out to promote “Shark Week” on the Discovery Channel.

Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler may become judges on “American Idol.” With Jennifer Lopez, Steven Tyler, and Randy Jackson, why even bother having contestants? Put those three in a house and you’ve got a show right there.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Ellen DeGeneres is leaving “American Idol.” She said it was too hard judging people and hurting their feelings. Then Mel Gibson said, "I'll do it!”

Lindsay Lohan was released from jail and immediately checked into rehab. It happened so fast, they barely had time to hang up the “Welcome Back” banner out front.

A new survey found that New York ranks No. 7 in the nation for the dirtiest beaches. But sometimes that’s not so bad. Last time I went swimming, I cut my foot on a rock, and within seconds a Band-Aid floated up to my face.

A man in Ohio was arrested for pushing his kids in a stroller while he was drunk. Police could tell the man was drunk because his kids are in their late 20s.

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