Thursday Jul 29 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Because of Arizona’s new law, a lot of immigrants have fled the state and returned to their homeland, Los Angeles.

President Obama said he had a good time on “The View,” and that the ladies on the show talk a lot less than Joe Biden.

Millions of Americans are buying 3-D TVs. Critics say it only works when you wear the 3-D glasses. Or you could do what I did, and get the 3-D Lasik surgery.

A 104-year-old woman who called herself the world’s oldest member of Twitter, has died. Her last tweet: “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”

Late Show with David Letterman

There’s a restaurant in New York City where you get a hot dog for $69. To be fair, the mustard and the relish are free.

Tonight is the premiere of the new season of “Jersey Shore.” So apparently, the containment cap did not work.

Arizona’s immigration law went into effect today. If you want to boycott Arizona, instead of going to see the Grand Canyon, come to New York City to see our potholes.

President Obama went on “The View,” even though his critics say he isn’t willing to confront extremists.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Scientists are saying that a giant asteroid could strike the earth in 2182, and that it could decimate the planet and destroy most forms of life. A spokesman for BP said, “Been there, done that.”

Leonardo DiCaprio officially dropped out of Mel Gibson’s new Viking movie. Mel doesn’t know yet because everyone is afraid to phone him.

A group of Italian-American activists said that “Jersey Shore” perpetuates negative stereotypes about Italian-Americans. The group is called “The Association of People Who Never Watch ‘The Sopranos’.”

There’s a guy on “Jersey Shore” who calls himself “The Situation” because his abs are so impressive that they qualify as a situation. I call my abs “The Capitulation,” because I just gave up.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Some Italian-American groups were upset with “Jersey Shore” because they felt it depicted their people in a negative light. To me it just depicts people in a negative light.

President Bush’s memoir is set to come out just in time for the midterm elections and it has some Republicans upset because it may remind voters of — President Bush.

One conservative columnist called the timing of the book release “selfish and stupid,” which, coincidentally, is also the title of the book.

A new study found that 1 in 5 Californians believe they could use professional help for mental problems. All of them say that if resources are limited, Mel Gibson can go ahead of them.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Toyota is recalling more than 400,000 cars in the U.S. because of steering problems. Toyota’s crisis management spokesman issued a statement saying, “Good to be back.”

Leonardo DiCaprio has pulled out of Mel Gibson’s new film about Vikings. Leonardo said he doesn’t mind playing a vicious killer who rapes and pillages, but he doesn’t want people to think he hangs out with Mel Gibson.

The New York City fire department had to rescue a 600-pound man who fell and couldn’t get up. They called an ambulance to help save the man, and then another ambulance to help save the first ambulance.

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