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Wednesday Jul 28 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama is going on “The View” to talk about the economy. Later on, he’ll go to “General Hospital” to explain to doctors how the new healthcare system works.

With Arizona’s new immigration law getting ready to kick in, there’s a new slogan: “What happens in Arizona stays in Mexico.”

Congress’ approval rating has hit an all-time low of 11 percent. To give you an idea of how bad that is, the BP oil spill is at 12 percent.

Continental announced a new feature called “self boarding.” There’s no ticket agent taking your boarding pass anymore, and you scan it yourself as you board the plane. It’s part of Continental’s “Terrorists Fly Hassel-free” program.

Late Show with David Letterman

President Obama is in town for an appearance on “The View.” He probably won’t get a word in edgewise, but he said he’s used to it. He lives with his mother-in-law.

A guy in New York robbed a bank wearing clown pants, a wig, and a bra. I thought to myself, This could be a thousand guys living in the Village.

Elmhurst, Ind. wants to make it illegal to roll your eyes in public. But what if Rod Blagojevich comes to town and declares his innocence?

Lindsay Lohan is being released from prison next week. I just hope she does her time and keeps her nose clean. I would hate to see her get shanked in the weight room.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Reasons Jeb Bush Isn’t Running for President

10
Worried he can’t live up to the expectations
9
Doesn’t want to live in a house previously occupied by a smoker
8
Too busy with his daily routine: gym, tan, laundry
7
Huckabee has a lock on the “pasty fat guy” vote
6
Leaves voicemail messages that make Mel Gibson sound like a choir boy
5
Scared of Lincoln’s ghost
4
Wants to be an “American Idol” judge
3
Wasn’t blessed with the Bush family stammer
2
For some reason, he’d rather not inherit two wars, massive debt, and an ocean full of oil
1
No governor siblings to help him rig the election
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

A federal judge has blocked Arizona’s immigration law. Immigrants have been celebrating and throwing confetti. The governor of Arizona said, “Sure, now they’re showing us their papers.”

A guy in Fresno, Calif. found very valuable photo negatives at a garage sale. It turns out that they’re pictures by Ansel Adams, worth $200 million. With that, you can buy a lot of crap at garage sales.

You never know what you’re going to find at a garage sale. That’s where CBS found me.

I’d love to sell things that have been handed down in my family but there’s not a huge market for bitterness, disappointment, and womanly hips.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is lashing out at Paul the Octopus, who predicted winners in the World Cup. Ahmadinejad said the octopus represents what’s wrong with the West. I guess he’s never seen “Jersey Shore.”

He said Paul the Octopus is a symbol of decadence and decay in the Western world. You have to lose some dictator credibility when you pick a fight with an octopus.

There are more Mel Gibson tapes coming out. How many of these do they have? It might be time to drill a relief well in Mel Gibson.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

BP CEO Tony Hayward complained that he was unfairly “demonized” in the U.S. over his handling of the Gulf oil spill. In response, demons complained that they were unfairly compared to BP CEO Tony Hayward.

President Obama was in New York today to tape his appearance on “The View.” Whoopi asked him about the economy, Joy asked about the war, and Elizabeth asked for his birth certificate.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that Paul the Octopus is a symbol of decadence and decay in the western world. Which is exactly what Paul the Octopus predicted he would say.

They’re going to make a movie version of the board game “Battleship.” Just yesterday, I auditioned to play one of the white pegs.

 
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