Monday Jul 26 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Vice President Joe Biden has declared that the heavy lifting is over for the year, and it’s time to begin campaigning and talking about the White House’s accomplishments. The heavy lifting might be over, but it sounds like the heavy shoveling is just beginning.

Shirley Sherrod was fired from her job at the Agriculture Department, then they said they made a mistake and offered to hire her back. Today, Gen. McChrystal asked if he could have his job back.

WikiLeaks has posted over 90,000 classified documents about the war in Afghanistan. The Pentagon is outraged, the White House is furious, but British Petroleum is relieved: “Finally, a leak we had nothing to do with.”

Ford has moved ahead of Toyota in sales and they say they’re not stopping until they see even better results. Not stopping? That’s what screwed up Toyota.

Late Show with David Letterman

Lindsay Lohan gets out of prison this week. Lock your doors, America. Los Angeles has already hired 300 additional bartenders.

The White House is very upset about a bunch of secret documents about the Afghanistan war that were leaked online. Out of habit, BP apologized.

BP is firing its CEO, Tony Hayward. They’re negotiating a settlement for $18 million. Boy, that’ll teach him.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Questions on the BP CEO Application

Do you have prior experience working for greedy thugs?
How many lies can you type per minute?
Do you own a lot of towels and rags?
On a scale of 1-10, how committed are you to protecting the environment, 1 meaning "Not very much" and 10 meaning "Not at all"?
What species do you most want to drive into extinction?
This isn't about the job, but seriously, how crazy are those Mel Gibson recordings?
Do you know how to beat a lie detector?
Have you ever seen a donkey parasailing?
By the way, would you mind firing the last guy for us?
Any suggestions on where we should have our next spill?
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Tony Hayward is stepping down as CEO of BP. They weren’t supposed to make the announcement yet, but of course, the news leaked.

Leaked documents show that Pakistan has been taking American money and using it to fund the Taliban. The Pakistanis are denying it, and they’re like, “The Taliban bought those iPods with their own money.”

WikiLeaks has 91,000 secret documents, but who has the time to read that? I can barely get through the instructions on a shampoo bottle.

It turns out that our biggest ally in the region is Russia. With all due respect to Russia, it’s not the best place to get advice on how to win in Afghanistan.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Violence struck at Comic-Con when an argument between two men resulted in one being arrested for stabbing the other with a pen. Which proved that the pen is mightier than the light saber.

There were 80,000 guys dressed as superheroes and no one stepped in to save him.

Facebook now has more than 500 million users, which may help explain why unemployment is around 10 percent.

BP will replace Tony Hayward as CEO. He plans to spend more time at home spilling every liquid in his kitchen cabinet.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

There were reports over the weekend that BP’s CEO Tony Hayward could resign within the next two days. Two days. Of course, in BP time, that’s like six months.

The heat index here in New York City was actually 102 degrees on Saturday. And if you convert that to Celsius . . . Well, then you’re just being kind of annoying.

The founder of WikiLeaks just released 91,000 classified documents about the war in Afghanistan, and he said he plans to post thousands more. I just wish he’d hurry, because I breezed through those first 91,000. It’s like waiting for the next Harry Potter.

The Kings of Leon only played three songs during their concert in St. Louis because pigeons were pooping on them. Fans called it “disappointing” while the pigeons are calling it "the only way we can express ourselves."

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