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Tuesday Nov 10 2009

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Israel is working on a warning system that will calculate where a rocket will hit and send a message to residents’ phones. If a bomb will hit a certain neighborhood, residents will get a text message. It will say, “OMG . . . BOMB.”

November is “Learn Chinese Month.” As a resident of Los Angeles, here’s what I want to know: When is “Learn English Month”?

Someone should preserve these dying languages.

Conan

First lady Michelle Obama was on “Sesame Street” today showing children how to plant their own healthy vegetable gardens. Then the kids said, “Forget the vegetables,” and they barbecued Big Bird.

Jennifer Lopez is suing her ex-husband for threatening to release a sex tape of her. Apparently it’s the first J Lo movie that anyone has wanted to see in 10 years.

On Sunday, students at the University of California, Berkeley created the world’s largest sushi roll. Tomorrow, they plan to make history again with the world’s largest salmonella outbreak.

A group of media experts have named Amy Winehouse the most powerful British star under 30. They say the main reason Winehouse is so powerful is because her breath is flammable.

Late Show with David Letterman

Bad news for New York: Gov. Paterson announced that by the end of the year, the city will be broke. There will be lots of cuts. For example, the Midtown Tunnel? That will be by appointment only.

The Metropolitan Museum has laid off three mummies.

The worst part? The city has apparently stopped constructing potholes.

It’s the 20th anniversary of the Berlin Wall coming down. Before that, the only way to get from East Germany to West Germany was your dad would have to put you in a balloon.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Ways The Marines Are Celebrating Their 234th Birthday

10.
Sleeping in until 5 a.m. (Staff Sgt. Justino Vasquez)
9.
Trying to find enough paper to gift-wrap a CH-53E Super Stallion cargo helicopter (Sgt. Jin Lee)
8.
We rented the entire Times Square Olive Garden (Sgt, Alana Pereira)
7.
My mom is baking 200,000 cupcakes (Staff Sgt. Jonathan Garcia)
6.
When you work on an amphibious transport dock, every single day is like your birthday (Gunnery Sgt. Sooki Forbes)
5.
Trying to get booked on Leno's "10 at 10" Sgt. Helen Cardenas)
4.
Protect United States from that hair-pulling soccer player (Staff Sgt. Crystal Taylor)
3.
Pint of ice cream and some "Sex and the City" DVDs (Sgt. Wesley Alexander)
2.
Presenting jokes that don't seem particularly funny, Sir (Sgt. Leandros Rubio)
1.
Being badass, as usual (Second Lt. Kenneth Johnson)
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Google has announced that they’re going to give free Internet access in airports all across the country. It’s fantastic! Up until now, the only way to see something pornographic at an airport was to follow a senator into the bathroom.

You can visit Shoe-Tappers.com.

Former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, got into trouble for making a sex tape. She’s the only one in the tape. But I think this could be innocent too — last time for the racy photos, she said the wind blew her vest open . . . so maybe the wind blew her into some sexy positions and made her do some sexy gestures.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Carrie Prejean is in the new again. She’s the beauty pageant contestant who spoke out against gay marriage. She’s a very family-values-oriented woman who, in her spare time, made a pornographic video tape.

She says it is not a sex tape because she’s the only one in it. It’s s solo sex tape. It’s the first female solo sex tape . . . she flies solo. She’s like the Amelia Earhart of the naked.

She’s trying to downplay the incident. In pageant terms, it was a swim-suit competition minus the swim suit but with a lot of baton twirling.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

In a speech yesterday, New York Gov. David Paterson said that New York will be broke by Christmas, unless it begins cutting jobs. New Yorkers were like “Good call — let’s start with the governor.”

CBS News is reporting that President Obama has decided to send 40,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Obama says it’s part of his plan to finally deliver on campaign promises . . . yeah, made by John McCain.

A man and woman in Britain became the oldest couple in the world to divorce — they are both 98 years old. It was an ugly breakup. She found another woman’s teeth in their bedroom.

Federal experts say the number of burglaries in big cities is way down this year because more people are unemployed and staying at home. They need federal experts for this?

 
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