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Tuesday Jul 20 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

AT&T announced today that they are working on a new app for the iPhone. This one will allow you to make calls.

The countdown is now under way for what a lot of people are calling, the wedding of the year — on July 31 Chelsea Clinton is getting married. Bill and Hillary are thrilled; they say they don't care who the groom is as long as it's not Levi Johnston.

Lindsay Lohan went to jail today. But sadly, her parents are still on the loose.

According to a study by the Brookings institution, Washington D.C. has the highest concentration of smart people in the United States. Lets see; we have a mess in the Gulf, we have a dysfunctional Homeland Security, and we are $13 trillion in debt. Imagine how bad it would be if these people weren't geniuses.

Late Show with David Letterman

New York is in the middle of a drought. I was just at the reservoir in Central Park, and it’s amazing — the bodies are floating at their lowest levels.

It’s so hot in New York, Mayor Bloomberg is using surplus dumpsters for swimming pools . . . swimming pools! How about using them for surplus garbage?

President Obama has passed a new policy that will protect the coasts. You wouldn’t want anything bad to happen . . .

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are getting married. Just today, they were talking to Joe the Wedding Planner.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Lindsay Lohan has been sent to jail. There are a lot of things worse than jail . . . like being a host of a late-night show for CBS.

Hollywood always makes movies about women’s prisons. I bet the real women’s prisons are not like Hollywood’s versions. When the lights go out there probably aren’t pillow fights.

I think we should turn Alcatraz into a prison for celebrities. It would be like some sort of pop-culture zoo.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Lindsay Lohan went to jail today . . . is she out yet?

She went to the coolest jail, of course . . . there’s a line that wraps around the block to get in.

They want to build a mosque near the site of the World Trade Center. If you put a mosque there, there’s no way terrorists will blow it up. If I was in charge, I would put a mosque on top of every building in America.

BP’s oil cap seems to be working. The cap they’re using is childproof, so it’ll never come off.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, President Obama thanked the WNBA champions the Phoenix Mercury for showing his daughters that they can be athletic and still be attractive. And then Michelle Obama said, "AHEM!"

Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer, Robert Shapiro — who was famous for representing O.J. Simpson — quit just a few hours before she went to jail. That’s gotta sting when your lawyer says, “I can’t handle you anymore — why can’t you be more like O.J. Simpson?”

A school in Massachusetts is facing criticism for sending kids home with “fat report cards” that alert their parents to obesity issues. That’s could get confusing: “Well Gary, the good news is you got an A; the bad news is, it's between an F and a T.”

There’s a new computer program that can delete all mentions of your ex from your Facebook page. The program is called, “your new girlfriend.”

 
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