Monday Jul 19 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

All of Mel Gibson’s troubles could have been avoided if he’d just made those calls with the iPhone 4. None of them would have gone through.

O.J. Simpson’s lawyer, Robert Shapiro, has agreed to represent Lindsay Lohan, but only if she agrees to go to jail. Where was this deal when O.J. was on trial?

Dick Cheney is recovering from heart surgery in the hospital. I understand Fox sent flowers, and MSNBC sent a large pepperoni pizza with extra cheese.

A new study says that having a cat makes you 40 percent less likely to die of a heart attack. Not that the cat would care one way or the other.

Late Show with David Letterman

It’s so hot in New York City that conservatives have started the “Iced Tea Party.”

In this heat, you start seeing mirages. It was so hot I thought I saw LeBron James in a Knicks jersey.

Mel Gibson is thinking about moving back to Australia. Luckily, his phone plan includes unlimited long distance rants.

Mel wants to move back to Australia because he feels it’s time to start insulting the Aborigines.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things Overheard on President Obama's Vacation

"Please, Mr. President, don't throw your butts in the pool"
"Sorry, sir, your iPhone has no reception"
"Crap, is that an oil slick?"
"Nothing boosts a sagging approval rating like a vacation!"
"Ew, it's Sen. Scott Brown”
"Any interest in pardoning Lindsay Lohan?"
"Sure is nice to get a break from all that golfing"
"There's nothing like a romantic stroll on the beach with your wife and 30-man Secret Service detail"
"Do I have to go back?"
"A 48-hour vacation? Bush took naps longer than that"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Apparently BP’s containment cap is leaking. When asked if the rumors are true, a BP spokesman said, “Aren’t there any more Mel Gibson tapes?”

There are reports that Mel Gibson is moving back to Australia and Australians aren’t happy with that. They’re like, “Why do you think we sent him to you in the first place?”

If Mel does go to Australia, he better be careful, because a kangaroo will punch him back.

July is National Ice Cream Month. Baskin-Robbins celebrated by retiring five flavors. That’s like celebrating Arbor Day by starting a forest fire.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

If you’ve been anywhere near the Internet, you’ve probably heard what sounds like Mel Gibson having angry conversations with his girlfriend Oksana. He thought he was talking to Osama, which explains why he was so upset.

There have been rumors that Mel Gibson might leave the U.S. for Australia. He has to get rid of his mansion in New York, his place in Malibu, and his Thunderdome.

BP finally plugged the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico, but they’re detecting sewage and seepage, which is very unusual outside of Larry King’s underpants.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The Obamas invited Broadway stars to perform at the White House. Unfortunately, things got a little awkward when Barack told one lady how great she was in “Wicked," then realized it was just Nancy Pelosi.

Bristol Palin wants Levi Johnston to wear a camouflage vest at their wedding next month. When she heard that, Sarah Palin was like, “That’s fine, I wasn’t planning on aiming that high anyway.”

Malia Obama is about to go to summer camp for the first time. And you can tell that Michelle picked out the camp, because whenever they make s’mores, they just melt zucchini in between two Wheat Thins.

It’s rumored that Mel Gibson may permanently move to Australia. Which, of course, raises the question: When you flush a career down the toilet there, does it go in the opposite direction?

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