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Thursday Jul 15 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Before they capped the Gulf oil leak, BP had to test the integrity of the well. Which is the first time “BP” and “integrity” have been used in the same sentence.

The BBC is reporting that Venezuela may have massive oil reserves — even more than Saudi Arabia. We could have invaded closer to home and saved gas getting there.

But to be fair to President Bush, at the time we invaded Iraq, we thought Venezuela was a planet.

The White House announced that the stimulus package saved 3 million jobs. But they said there are still jobs that need to be saved — President Obama’s, Joe Biden’s, Harry Reid’s, and Nancy Pelosi’s.

Late Show with David Letterman

Crime is up in New York City. I knew we’d bounce back.

Lindsay Lohan is going to jail for 90 days. She’s trying to get the cell that Martha Stewart redecorated.

Tomorrow night, on ESPN, Lindsay will announce which prison she has chosen.

They caught some Russian spies in New York and swapped them with some of our spies they held in prison. In the old days, they would just be transferred to another parish.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Thoughts Dave's Mom Would Like To Share About Her Birthday

10
"There's no better gift than cash"
9
"I love getting calls from my wonderful children, and Dave"
8
"Going to the mall to look for Russian spies"
7
"Celebrate like every year — spend time in my kitchen with sweaty crew guys"
6
"Thanks to Dave, I'm having birthday dinner for 50 percent off at Red Lobster"
5
"What am I supposed to do with a LeBron James Pacers jersey?"
4
"This is nice, but my birthday's in March"
3
"All I know is someone better get me an iPad"
2
"What I do on my birthday is none of your damn business"
1
"Are there more lousy jokes or can I go to bed?"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s so hot in L.A. that Lindsay Lohan went to rehab just for the air conditioning.

A rancher in Texas has apparently captured the mythical Chupacabra. It’s a hairy beast that stalks the night in Texas. It’s like Chuck Norris but less kicky.

I don’t know where Chupacabra comes from. I don’t know where chimichangas come from either.

Some people think the Chupacabra originates in Mexico because all of the sightings have been along the border states, except for Arizona, because they don’t carry papers.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Rerun

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

BP just announced that the containment cap is working and no oil is leaking into the Gulf of Mexico. Well, that was easy.

Two greyhound trainers in Florida are under investigation after their racing dogs tested positive for cocaine. People knew something was up when the dogs were seen snorting each other’s butts.

A new study found that pear-shaped women are prone to memory problems. Also having memory problems: you, after you get punched by a woman for calling her "pear-shaped."

Researchers discovered that drinking cherry juice can help fight insomnia. I could see that working. By the time you put on clothes, wander around town looking for the only place that sells cherry juice, and finally get back home, you’re going to be exhausted, so it’s going to be perfect.

 
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