Tuesday Jul 13 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Yankees owner George Steinbrenner passed away. He was a tough guy. Within five minutes in heaven, he fired God and told Jesus to lose the beard.

Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert was fined $100,000 by the NBA for a letter in which he trashes LeBron James. Fortunately, he should have no trouble paying the fine with all the money he made off — LeBron James.

A lot of people continue to be very upset that we can’t get Osama bin Laden. Osama bin Laden? We can’t even get Roman Polanski.

On the latest Mel Gibson tape, he insults women and uses ethnic slurs and obscenities. I knew Mel was an actor and a director, but apparently he’s also a rapper.

Late Show with David Letterman

Fidel Castro appeared on Cuban television for the first time in years. He condemned the United States, nuclear proliferation, and LeBron James.

The owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers was fined $100,000 for his angry rant against LeBron James. Mel Gibson was like, “You call that a rant?”

Mel Gibson was heard on an audio tape screaming obscenities at his girlfriend. Well there’s another success story for eHarmony.

In Hollywood, they say there’s no such thing as bad press. Well, now, I think there is.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs You've Purchased a Bad iPhone

To make a call, you have to insert a quarter
Automatically answers every call with a computerized, "Yello!"
Operates on 20 "D" batteries
Pre-loaded with naked photos of Steve Jobs
You keep getting anonymous texts reading, "iPhone kill you"
"Apple Store" looks suspiciously like some dude's trunk
Looks, smells, and tastes like a Pop-Tart
There's no lather when washing your cornea (Sorry, that's a sign you've purchased a bad eye foam)
You check your e-mail and it shocks you
Only accepts calls from Mel Gibson
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

BP is putting a new cap on the leaking oil well. It could capture up to 90 percent of the disgusting filth that’s spewing from there. And if it works, they’re going to try the same thing on Mel Gibson.

Mel Gibson has so many rants out that they’re being compiled into a new album called “Now That’s What I Call Crazy.”

Whoopi Goldberg has come to Mel’s defense. She should expect a grateful phone call from him.

Jimmy Kimmel Live


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The World Cup final on Sunday was watched by 24.3 million people in the U.S. In related news, there are at least 24.3 million immigrants living in the U.S.

There was a big blow up on “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” last night. It was a crazy episode of name-calling, obscene language, and threats of physical violence. You would have thought it was a Mel Gibson answering machine message.

Can you believe another Mel Gibson recording came out? They keep getting more insane. Even bin Laden was like, “Hey, I say a lot of things on my tapes, but this guy is crazy, man. I would never talk to any of my wives like that.”

Pennsylvania is coming out with wine vending machines. They say it’s the perfect way to tell your date, “I totally forgot this was tonight.”

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