Thursday Jul 01 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner


Late Show with David Letterman

Sunday is July 4, when America combines our two favorite pastimes: alcohol and explosives.

The fireworks are beautiful to look at, but more importantly, they drown out the gunfire.

I sent mom out to get a couple propane tanks but she was picked up by Homeland Security.

Everybody has vampire fever right now. Sarah Palin was out shooting werewolves from a helicopter.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Happy Canada Day. May your bacon always be ham.

If you’re near a Canadian today, give them a hug, they love that.

Thousands of teenagers camped out to see the premiere of “Eclipse.” I drove by the theater, and I thought it was a Justin Bieber concert. Then I found out the truth, after waiting in line for five hours.

I like the old vampire movies because they let the horror build up slowly. Things start out normal and then get creepier and creepier. Kind of like the Al Gore sex scandal.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

July 4 is my favorite holiday. No presents, no church, just a lighter and a trunk full of explosives.

Here’s a fireworks safety tip. Don’t get drunk and leave bottle rockets on the grill unless you want to see your hot dogs fly, which is fun too.

For the second day, there were no World Cup games. I missed the sound of vuvuzelas so much that I taped a beehive to my head.

Larry King is leaving “Larry King Live” this fall and the truth is, no one can really fill his shoes — if he even wears shoes. I’ve never seen his feet, I don’t know.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon


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