Outside, it’s 90 and miserable — like Andy Rooney.
This July 4 is the annual Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest. What better way to celebrate the birth of our nation?
We had a ring of Russian spies here. They were trying to blend in and act like Americans. For a week, they even pretended to love soccer.
Here in New York City, everyone still has World Cup fever. For example, my cab driver coming to work this morning didn’t use his hands.
Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is A Russian Spy
He's on the cover of "Secret Russian Spy Digest"
During barbecue, he leans into the potato salad and says, "Do you copy, comrade?"
His business card has "Russian Spy" crossed off and "Landscaper" scribbled in
Your mailmen mysteriously keep dying of polonium poisoning
You ask what his son's name is — he replies, "That's classified"
He occasionally has Lenin's embalmed body over for iced tea
Same Roto-Rooter van has been parked across the street for last six years
Always asking if you have change for 500 rubles
Saw him with blueprints for the top secret candy and soda powered rocket
You walk in on him giving your wife the old hammer and sickle
A woman in Colorado crashed her car and claimed that it was because she had hallucinations of vampires. I think that vampire is probably “Count Crackula.”
Vice President Joe Biden went down to the Gulf to see the oil spill. Haven’t the people down there suffered enough?
People say Lady Gaga is the new Madonna, which is the same thing they said about me when I started.
Larry King announced via Twitter that after 25 years, he will step away from “Larry King Live.” He said he wants to spend more time with his wife and kids. That’ll fix her.
A new poll shows that 6 percent of Americans have a favorable view of BP. Is it possible that 6 percent of Americans don’t know what the word “favorable” means?
In an internal newsletter, BP said that most Gulf residents aren’t upset with BP because the clean-up effort has boosted the local economy. So thanks, I guess.
BP taking credit for boosting the economy in the Gulf is like al-Qaida taking credit for boosting jobs in airport security.