Friday Jun 25 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama met with the Russian president at the White House and afterwards, took him out for a burger. It was a bit awkward because Gen. McChrystal was working behind the counter.

The Russian president wanted to pick up the check, but Obama said, “Don’t worry about it, just charge it to our grandchildren.”

Mexico has filed a brief against Arizona’s new immigration law. It’s a precedent because it’s the first immigration law Mexico has paid any attention to.

A tornado in Pennsylvania hit the Amish country. Electricity has been out for 150 years.

Late Show with David Letterman

We have the annual Gay Pride Parade in New York City coming up. Nothing says pride like a 40-year-old fat guy in chiffon.

Everyone in the city has gay pride spirit. Even the Statue of Liberty is holding an appletini.

Today is the last day of New York City public schools, which means tomorrow is the first day of marauding teen punks season.

I have a busy summer planned. Me and some drinking buddies are going to hunt down bin Laden.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Eminem Pieces Of Advice For The Kids

Keep it real
No one's ever regretted a tattoo
With foreign markets volatile, now's a good time to invest in bonds
Go see "Toy Story 3" — the toys are back in town
Always purchase music through authorized retailers that pay royalties to the artists
Don't get mixed up with drugs, gangs, or oil executives
Remember the magic words: "Please," "Thank you" and "Step off, b**ch"
Money doesn't buy happiness — it buys crazy happiness!
If I sign something for you, and I see it on eBay, when you go home, I'm gonna be under your bed
Don't waste your time watching this show
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Tom Cruise’s underpants dancing scene in “Risky Business” was voted the single greatest scene in film history according to a recent survey of Ricky Martin.

I didn’t see “Valkyrie” because Cruise was playing a Nazi. A heroic Nazi, but still a Nazi. By the way, a heroic Nazi is like an environmentally friendly BP executive.

People make fun of Tom Cruise’s height. He’s actually 5-foot-7-inches, which is a reasonable size — for a girl.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Today is the one-year anniversary of Michael Jackson’s death and it’s also the one-year anniversary of people forgetting that Farrah Fawcett also died on this day.

A new study found that children are more likely to choose food that comes in packaging with a cartoon on it than without. I never would have figured that. Thanks, Yale.

The World Cup lets us learn about countries that we may never have learned about. For instance, did you know Slovakians are made out of taffy?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

A British designer has created the world’s most expensive men’s suit, made with cashmere, silk, and diamonds. They say it’s the perfect way to tell your lady, “I’m a lady.”

Police in California arrested a couple for trying to sell their baby for $25 at a Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart called the incident horrifying, but also proof of its unbeatable everyday low prices.

I heard that Clay Aiken wants to be Simon Cowell’s replacement on “American Idol.” At least, I think that’s what he meant when he said he “wanted Simon Cowell’s seat.”

It’s Take Your Dog to Work Day. Or as they call it in China, “Bring Your Own Lunch Day.”

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