Tuesday Jun 22 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

It’s been a couple days since Father’s Day. So John Edwards, it’s safe to come out now.

Sarah Palin has admitted that she tried marijuana and did not like it. She said it distorted her perceptions and impaired her thinking, and she’s hoping that the effects will wear off one day.

A company is now selling a cell phone that costs $70,000 and is covered with sapphires, platinum, and rubies. It’s a smartphone, but of course, if you buy one, you’re an idiot.

Amy Winehouse ended things with her husband and is now dating someone that doesn’t do drugs. Apparently she got tired of sharing.

Late Show with David Letterman

Regis Philbin is here tonight. He’s backstage right now being assembled.

The Times Square bomber appeared in court and he was defiant, belligerent, and uncooperative — wait, that was last night’s audience.

President Obama is being criticized for golfing during the Gulf oil spill crisis. In Obama’s defense, people are saying that the president has a particular way of relaxing. For instance, George W. Bush would relax by being president.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs Your General Is Losing It

His pants keep going AWOL
Each day for breakfast, eats large bowl of sand
Named his helmet "Peggy"
Quality Value Convenience
Working on a new secret weapon: grenade launching squirrels
Instead of devising a battle plan, attends a yacht race
When meeting with tribal warlords, he spends most of the time touching their beards
Storyline about Olivia and Sonny is going nowhere (sorry, that's a sign that "General Hospital" is losing it)
Just lost a tank betting on North Korea in the World Cup
Gets drunk and storms Yankees locker room in bra and panties
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

There’s so much going on in sports right now from Wimbledon to the World Cup, it seems like there’s something for everyone to not care about.

I’ve said this before, but tennis is just waving with equipment.

I like listening to tennis. It’s calming, like listening to the ocean, but without the sound of bubbling oil.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Larry King’s oil spill telethon last night raised $1.8 million. Usually, to get that much money from Larry King, you have to divorce him.

In 2011, China will end America’s 110-year run as the number one manufacturing country in the world. That gives me a great idea. We should start making the one thing we know the world will always need: “made in China” labels.

Researchers found that most parents don’t know if their preschool-aged child is overweight or obese. I think the real news here is that those are the only two options.

A cat in Colorado survived an hour-long drive stuck in the engine of a car. The cat is fine, but the dog that was driving is facing attempted murder charges.

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