Friday Jun 18 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

A congressman actually apologized to BP’s CEO for the way the company has been treated. How stupid are you when the CEO of BP is in the room and people think you’re the moron?

To be fair, it’s not easy for a lot of these congressmen. It’s got to be hard to bite the hand that bribes you.

It was the 36th anniversary of the Watergate scandal, when the Republicans broke into the Democratic headquarters looking for their long-term plans and strategies. It also marks the last time anyone thought the Democrats had a plan worth stealing.

A death row inmate from Utah was executed by firing squad. The guy had a choice and he chose a firing squad. The other option was watching “The Bachelorette.”

Late Show with David Letterman

It’s very hot in New York City. Everyone talks about global warming, but what about global humidity?

There are rumors that the CEO of BP is saying they might go out of business. Then who will be in charge of not stopping the leak?

A couple in California got married at Home Depot. I hope they find happiness, because you can’t find anything else at Home Depot.

Happy birthday to Paul McCartney. He’s 68 years old, so now when he says he wants to hold your hand, it’s so that he can cross the street.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs Your Father's A Loser

Whenever you say, "Dad", he says, "Shhh, not so loud"
At your baseball game, cheers for someone else's kid
Couldn't drive you to camp because he swallowed the car keys
The only thing he's ever given you is a receding hairline
Spends most weekends blowing his own vuvuzela
Destroyed country's economy and standing in the world along with his Vice President Dick Cheney
His job is sledding on an ice track — sorry, that's a sign your father's a "luger"
Hasn't left the basement since '77
Taught you how to smoke (videotape of smoking baby)
Has late night talk show on CBS
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

This is the first time that two women have been on the International Space Station at the same time. That can only mean one thing: zero-gravity pillow fight.

NASA says that there may be 100 times more water on the moon than they thought. There’s so much water that BP is planning to go there and ruin it.

Paul McCartney is 68 today. He’s changing some of the lyrics to his songs, such as, “I wanna hold your cane.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

They say it now costs $250,000 to raise a child to age 18, and that doesn’t count college, which is like $50,000 a year. So kids, if you want to give dad a great Father’s Day gift, run away.

Sarah Palin called marijuana a “minimal problem” in America. She admitted that she herself has tried pot, which could explain some of the things she has said over the years. It’s all baked Alaska talk.

The U.S. should have won against Slovenia but a referee disallowed the winning goal for no apparent reason. This referee is very lucky that we don’t care about soccer.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

I’m not going to do any jokes about oil spill-related news, because I thought it might be nice to just pretend for a few minutes that the oil spill isn’t happening. You know, kind of like BP does.

While testifying before Congress yesterday, BP CEO Tony Hayward called the oil spill a “complex accident caused by an unprecedented combination of failures.” Then he realized he was reading notes left on the stand by a Goldman Sachs executive.

The state of New York recently approved the sale of 192-proof alcohol. Or, for an extra dollar, the liquor store clerk can just punch you in the liver.

Universal Studios’ “Harry Potter” theme park opened today. At the front gate, there's a sign that says, "You must be this nerdy to ride this ride."

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