Thursday Jun 17 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The chairman of BP said the company cares about the “small people.” I believe they care about the small people, the problem is that they don’t care about the big leaks.

Environmentalists say that if the leak continues, some species might become endangered — such as Democrats.

Authorities are investigating 40 human heads found on a Southwest Airlines flight. Authorities were alerted after the heads complained about the lack of legroom.

Late Show with David Letterman

A guy stole a Greyhound bus to go visit his girlfriend — a $600,000 bus. But who wouldn’t be impressed by a guy who shows up driving a $600,000 vehicle?

Sunday is Father’s Day, so it’s brunch with dad. Because what the old man needs is alcohol and a cheese omelet.

In a meeting with President Obama, BP CEO Tony Hayward apologized for the disaster in the Gulf. Usually, when someone is apologizing publicly, it’s me.

A congressman from Texas apologized to BP for what he called a political “shakedown.” Nice to see rich, white guys sticking up for each other.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs Your Monkey Is Watching Too Much Television

His grades are slipping in monkey school
He spends most of the day picking nits off the cable guy
After "Heroes" was canceled, he didn't eat bananas for a month
Sits around all day blowing his vuvuzela
Knows sign language for "food," "water," and "Cougar Town"
Removed all facial hair except for small Howie Mandel soul patch
Someone ordered a bunch of Schwarzenegger movies on-demand
When you try to change the channel, he rips your face off
He's pitched a show to Bravo: "Real Gibbons of New Jersey"
Enjoys watching fellow monkey Regis Philbin
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

There’s a new bill in the Senate that would give the president the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it, not because he invented the Internet, but because he just signed up for

Do you know who doesn’t like “Harry Potter?” Al-Qaida — they prefer “Twilight.”

There’s a rivalry between the “Harry Potter” fans and the “Twilight” fans. The “Twilight” fans think they’re much cooler than the “Harry Potter” fans, but they all are beaten by the “Dr. Who” fans.

I used to make fun of “Harry Potter” until I watched it and became a fan. But I still make fun of it because it’s my job.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Last year, my son got me two goldfish for Father’s Day. It was just what I wanted.

The latest government estimate is up to 60,000 barrels of oil spilling into the Gulf every day. We have to stop these estimators. They’re destroying the Gulf.

All we know for sure is: Somewhere between none and all of the earth’s oil is now in the Gulf.

Rep. Joe Barton of Texas took it upon himself to apologize to BP CEO Tony Hayward for a political “shakedown.” He later apologized for his apology and explained that he hadn’t seen the news in two months, and didn’t know that BP recently destroyed the ocean.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

During a press conference, BP Chairman Carl Henric Svanberg caused some controversy when he said BP cares about “the small people.” It’s part of his new strategy. “Plug the hole by digging himself into a deeper one.”

BP said the comment was lost in translation from Svanberg's native Swedish to English. Americans were like, “We get it, we’ve all tried to assemble something from Ikea.”

BP CEO Tony Hayward told members of Congress that his company is working to make sure that a spill like this “does not happen again.” And they have a great plan in place. They’re going out of business.

Sony just released the first teaser trailer for the upcoming movie “The Smurfs." Or as BP calls it "the small blue people."

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