China now holds more than $900 billion in U.S. debt and a lot of Americans are worried about this. Who cares? We’re not going to pay them back anyway.
The FAA is considering banning airlines from serving peanuts because a lot of people are allergic to peanuts. They also suspect that these allergies are caused by excessive legroom.
A judge has ruled that Michael Jackson’s doctor, Conrad Murray, can keep his medical license. However, he has to promise not to kill any more members of the Jackson family.
President Obama spoke from the Oval Office about the oil spill. Well, I’m glad that problem is behind us.
The president made a lot of promises that he can’t possibly keep. It’s like he’s campaigning again.
President Obama spoke to BP CEO Tony Hayward and demanded that BP clean up the Gulf, but BP can’t even clean up their gas station bathrooms.
Top Ten Things Overheard During President Obama's Meeting With Tony Hayward
"Careful, you're getting oil all over the Oval Office"
"Before I start kicking asses, would any of you like some sparkling water?"
"Speaking of leaks, where's the men's room?"
"Thanks for giving my administration something to worry about besides two wars, a crushing debt, global warming, and the worst economy in 70 years"
"$20 Billion? Hell, I've got that on me!"
"Tony, I forgave you the second I heard that dreamy British accent"
"Gotta keep this short, I'm meeting with the president of Indonesia about that smoking baby"
"Biden, please, enough with the vuvuzela"
"How can we blame this on Bush and Cheney?"
Everyone is talking about the president’s big speech to the nation and reactions are mixed. Ten percent of America wondered, “Why would they delay Craig Ferguson for this?” And 90 percent of America wondered, “Who the hell is Craig Ferguson?”
President Obama said we need a new energy strategy, one with more alternatives, like solar power. But let’s not forget about lunar power.
We really should take advantage of things that we have an endless supply of, like the wind or the sun or Kardashians.
It’s not even an oil spill anymore, a spill is an accident that can be cleaned up. That’s like calling World War II a tiff.
BP had to stop collecting oil for a few hours yesterday after a bolt of lightning struck its ship in the Gulf, causing a fire. When asked for comment, a spokesman for BP was like, “So that’s how things could possibly get any worse.”
President Obama finally met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, but the meeting was only scheduled for 20 minutes. Call me crazy but I think it should take more time to discuss an oil spill than it does to get your oil checked.
Twitter went down for about an hour yesterday. So, for about an hour, a lot of people with nothing to do had absolutely nothing to do.
Apple received more than 600,000 pre-orders for the iPhone 4 yesterday. People are really excited because the iPhone 4 has this great feature that makes it super easy to preorder the iPhone 5.