Tuesday Jun 15 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama said he is going to use the Gulf disaster to push a new energy bill through Congress. How about using the Gulf disaster to fix the Gulf disaster?

If the oil industry could suck up the oil the way they suck up to Congress, the Gulf would have been cleaned up a month ago.

A man from California was arrested in Pakistan, claiming he was on a mission to capture bin Laden. At least somebody is looking for him.

The U.S. has found over a trillion dollars of untapped mineral deposits in Afghanistan. The great part is, the country comes pre-invaded.

Late Show with David Letterman

Whenever tourists come to New York City, they always have two questions. First, “where can we get something to eat?” And second, “What is that smell?”

The oil spill is affecting the marine life and the seafood industry. They used to serve surf and turf, and now they have something called “oil and soil.”

President Obama gave a speech from the Oval Office about the Gulf oil spill. John McCain said he should have been the one responding too late to the crisis.

Here’s what I like about soccer: You can watch from the first minute to the last minute and you can never be sure how much time is left in the game.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

I’ve refrained from commenting on the oil spill, because I have nothing funny to say about it. But that hasn’t stopped me with anything else.

It’s nearly impossible to contain this thing. It’s like my love for bedazzling.

You know it’s a real catastrophe when the biggest hope of getting something done is Kevin Costner.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Obama’s speech pre-empted our primetime special. He didn’t even call to ask if it’s OK.

The polls say Americans want the president to show more emotion. Tonight, he said that when he finds out who’s responsible, he’s going to stick a containment cap up their blowout valve.

There are a lot of differences between basketball and soccer. For instance, in basketball, something happens.

The best way to watch soccer matches is to TiVo them and watch them at double speed. That way you can see them not scoring goals much faster.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

BP ordered 32 oil-separating machines designed by Kevin Costner. Costner said all along that a voice kept telling him, “If you build it . . . and there’s a huge oil spill . . . and the oil company and government have absolutely no idea whatsoever how to clean it up . . . they will come.”

Police in New York are looking for a woman known as the “Botox Bandit.” She has been passing bad checks in order to get spa treatments. She probably won’t be surprised when they catch her, but she will look surprised.

A 5.7-magnitude earthquake struck California last night. It was so big, someone on the Lakers other than Kobe actually moved.

Sausage king Jimmy Dean has passed away at the age of 81. He’ll now be laid to rest in a casket, linked to another casket, linked to another casket.

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