Monday Jun 14 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

It now looks like the disaster is twice as big as we first thought. But that’s enough about the Lakers.

The FAA is looking into pilot-less commercial flights. I guess if you take away the legroom, the blankets, and the food, you may as well take away the pilot.

If you think the pilots are drunk now, how drunk are they going to be when they don’t have to show up anymore?

Late Show with David Letterman

The oil slick from the Gulf is spreading everywhere, so the next time someone lands a plane in the Hudson, it won’t be a big deal.

President Obama is on his fourth visit to the Gulf since the spill began. The head of BP is saying, “See, it had no effect on tourism.”

The Backstreet Boys are boycotting British Petroleum. I think I’ll wait to see what the New Kids on the Block are going to do.

Larry King is moving to New York City. Last week, a real estate broker brought him to see Grant’s Tomb.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Reasons Americans Don't Like Soccer

Too many foreigners
Loud horns make it hard to nap through boring parts
Bench-clearing brawls not as much fun without bats or sticks
No theme song asking if we are ready for some soccer
Not enough 'roids
Lots of players with umlauts in their names
Americans too busy reading
Doesn't have the heart-pounding action of a 5-hour baseball game
No TV timeouts means fewer snack breaks to stuff our fat faces
Too much kicking, not enough rasslin'
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

I never studied martial arts, but I’m a big fan of kung fu, jujitsu, and the underpants pillow fight.

I always figured that if someone is prepared to fight you in an outfit that looks like pajamas and they’re not wearing shoes, they’re either very tough or very crazy.

In karate, different colored belts show how advanced you are. All I want is a belt that matches my shoes.

Jimmy Kimmel Live


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The White House says that BP is moving up its timeline for containing the oil by two weeks. They said they’d get it done even if they have to work six hours a day, four days a week.

President Obama had a 30-minute phone call with British Prime Minister David Cameron about the BP oil spill. The conversation is supposed to stay private, but given that it’s BP, you can probably expect a few leaks.

In Afghanistan, the U.S. has discovered large deposits of iron, copper, cobalt, gold, and lithium. Or as most people would call it, “Not Osama bin Laden.”

In an interview on Fox News, Sarah Palin denied the rumor that she got breast implants. Palin said not only are they real, they’re fair and balanced.

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