Friday Jun 11 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The first big match of the World Cup is the U.S. vs. Britain. The loser has to clean up the Gulf.

BP's stock has dropped 51 percent since the oil spill. Now that they’re leaking money like they’re leaking oil, maybe they’ll get up and do something about it.

A review of BP's 582-page plan to deal with a catastrophic oil spill was found to be full of errors and severely flawed. BP listed their lead drilling specialist as a Mr. Jed Clampett of Beverly Hills.

A lot of people are upset and wondering why President Obama is willing to sit down with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad but not BP CEO Tony Hayward. I think Obama is afraid — Ahmadinejad only threatened to destroy the world and Hayward is actually doing it.

Late Show with David Letterman

The “Late Show” has been nominated for a Tony Award, in the category of “Biggest Waste of a Broadway Theater.”

Sunday is the Puerto Rican Day Parade. You know who is leading the parade? It’s Mayor Bloomberg riding a Chihuahua.

The oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico is getting so bad that now, Cubans can walk to Miami.

Thanks to BP, the Gulf now has two new islands: self-service and full.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Ways to Make The Tony Awards More Exciting

Takes place on Broadway . . . in the middle of traffic
Sequin-eating contest
Helen Thomas comes out and yells at the winners
Special award for Gary Arkin, the only straight actor on Broadway
No entry — writer eating cake
Change overtime rules so each team gets at least one possession
Tony Shalhoub is a presenter. What more do you people want?!
Give a lifetime achievement award to Osama — when he shows up, grab him
Who cares, by Sunday we'll all be drowning in BP oil
Like I know anything about how to make a show exciting
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s a great day for the world, as the World Cup begins. On behalf of all Americans, I’d like to say, “Eh.”

In the U.S., soccer’s popularity ranges somewhere between Jon Gosselin and people that give out raisins on Halloween.

The reason Americans don’t get into soccer is because the scores are too low. They should make each goal worth two points, and then maybe let the players use their hands, and then maybe add some hoops and a basketball. Americans would watch that.

It’s estimated that a billion people watch the World Cup. To give you an idea of how many people that is, take the audience of this show, and add one billion to it.

Jimmy Kimmel Live


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Vice President Joe Biden is actually in South Africa for the World Cup. Biden’s looking forward to all the matches — or as he calls them, “foosball re-enactments.”

The Brazilian referees for tomorrow’s U.S.-England game have been studying English swear words to make sure the players don’t curse. Because if there’s one thing that thousands of drunk, shirtless hooligans can’t stand, it’s naughty language.

The U.S. will face England in the World Cup, and the U.S. ambassador and the U.K. ambassador have made a friendly wager on the game. If England wins, we have to buy their ambassador tea and crumpets, and if we win, they have to buy us a new ocean.

President Obama may finally meet with BP CEO Tony Hayward next week. Obama plans to ask Hayward for an update on the spill, while Hayward plans to ask Obama for an update on the spill.

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