Thursday Jun 10 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

BP is spending $50 million on a PR campaign to make themselves look good. In fact, they said they would be burning the midnight oil, if they hadn’t spilled it.

BP has the worst safety record of all the oil companies and has paid $373 million in fines. They don’t call them fines though, they’re called “campaign contributions.”

Hall & Oates have canceled an upcoming concert in Arizona to protest that state’s new immigration law. That will teach Arizona a lesson. Let’s see how long they can go without Hall & Oates.

Apparently, Hall & Oates were worried that Arizona authorities would make them go back where they came from — the '70s.

Late Show with David Letterman

The weather is so nice in New York that Gen. Grant left his tomb for the Hamptons.

Helen Thomas retired, and she is now back with her cats at Grey Gardens.

It’s an awkward time for Helen. She’s too old for journalism and too young for Sex and the City.

BP is becoming desperate. To improve their public image, with every 100,000 gallons of oil that leak, you get a free NFL team glass.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Little-Known Facts About Stephen Strasburg

To keep my focus on pitching, I sleep on a mound of dirt
Every morning I spread Icy Hot on my toast
Got three of my 14 strikeouts while Twittering
To celebrate my first big league win, I bought a hot tub time machine
I wasn't really good till I got bitten by that radioactive spider
Dumb guys think I directed "E.T."
I also scored the winning goal for the Blackhawks in the Stanley Cup Finals
I blew my signing bonus on laser back hair removal
Don't even try to talk to me before a start or while I'm watching "Glee"
If I would have known I'd be on Letterman, I wouldn't have pitched so well
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Insomnia can lead to poor health, depression, or in the worst case scenario, watching this show.

They say that when you have a baby, you lose 700 hours of sleep in the first year, but it’s worth it when they’re old enough to do the yard work.

According to research, older people need less sleep. Probably because you don’t need too much energy to play bingo.

I can’t sleep without my favorite pair of boxers. Their names are Sugar Ray and Raul.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The World Cup is starting soon. You know that excitement you feel when Flag Day is coming up? I kind of feel that right now.

Kevin Costner owns a company that separates oil from seawater and if you spilled it, he will come.

The chain-smoking toddler from Indonesia has cut down to 15 cigarettes per day. You know what would get him to stop smoking for good? It’s a lesser-known treatment called, “Don’t give him any.”

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke said, “The economy appears to be on track to continue to expand through this year and next.” Then he said, “and you can take that to one of the remaining banks.”

The first World Cup game is between South Africa and Mexico. Mexico really has a solid team this year, especially after they got all those great players from Arizona.

Here in New York, we’re six hours behind South Africa, which will make it hard to watch all the World Cup matches. But it will give you a great excuse to go to a pub at 8 a.m.

A new report found that 20 percent of people over 45 had to dip into their retirement savings last year. And the other 80 percent said, “retirement savings?”

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