Tuesday Jun 08 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The new unemployment figures are not good. All of these people are out of work, yet the CEO of British Petroleum still manages to keep his job.

President Obama says he would have fired BP CEO Tony Hayward if he worked for him. Unfortunately, the White House works for BP, so his hands are tied.

The only commercial airline in Iraq, Iraqi Airways, folded this week. The CEO says the company could not survive in a market where everybody in the country is on the No-Fly list.

A young American woman named Anamika Veeramani won the Scripps National Spelling Bee. You know what word she spelled that no one else could spell? Her name.

Late Show with David Letterman

The new iPhone is so advanced that it even brags to your friends that you own a new iPhone.

President Obama is angry. He wants to know what happened in the Gulf and he also wants to know why a 33-year-old woman would marry Rush Limbaugh.

President Obama gave a commencement address at an area high school. You know who spoke at my graduation? The principal.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

President Obama pitched his healthcare bill to a group of seniors. According to a poll, half of the seniors thought the president was convincing, 30 percent thought he was unconvincing, and the rest thought he was Will Smith.

The finale of “Glee” was just on. The Fox network is the home of “Glee,” while Fox News is the home of people who don’t like people who watch “Glee.”

When the Fox executives first saw “Glee,” they knew they had a hit. Just like when the CBS executives first saw my show, they knew they had something that rhymed with “hit.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The BP oil spill turned 50 days old today. If you get it a cake, don’t light the candles.

The spill has lasted longer, cost more, and destroyed more wildlife than Sarah Palin.

President Obama gave a commencement address yesterday and he preached the virtues of self-reliance and hard work. Nothing excites high school students like self-reliance and hard work when they’re texting all day and playing “World of Warcraft.”

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The Obamas invited members of Congress to a picnic at the White House. They played all the classic picnic games: wiffle ball, capture the flag, and their favorite game: ignore the oil spill.

The Obamas’ picnic featured foods from all four corners of the U.S. The Pacific Northwest provided the wild salmon and strawberries, and the southern Gulf Coast provided 400 million gallons of salad dressing.

A surgeon in Florida was fined $5,000 for removing the kidney of a patient instead of the gallbladder. The surgeon was like “I am so sorry for the mistake, and I mean that from the bottom of the red, pumpy thingy in my chest.”

A revival of “Annie” is in the works for 2012. It’s just like the original, until the end when she’s adopted by Brad and Angelina.

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