Monday Jun 07 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Using electron microscopes, scientists have discovered the slowest-moving thing on Earth. It’s the White House responding to the oil spill.

BP is saying that the campaign to clean up the oil could last until fall. You know why they call it a campaign? Because it’s like an election — it’s dirty, it’s slimy, and it never seems to end.

BP is spending $50 million on advertising to put a positive spin on the oil spill. They say that fishermen are catching tuna that are getting 35 miles per gallon.

Helen Thomas, the 89-year-old White House reporter, is retiring after making controversial statements about Israel and the Jews. Let me be the first to say, “mazel tov.”

Late Show with David Letterman

It was such a beautiful day in New York City that terrorists were jihading in the park.

Two men from New Jersey were arrested at JFK airport for trying to travel abroad and join al-Shabaab, which is affiliated with al-Qaida — they do all of their catering.

Rush Limbaugh was married over the weekend, for the fourth time. Right after the wedding, Rush consummated the cake.

Al Gore and his wife are separating. They apparently experienced global cooling.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things Overheard At Rush Limbaugh's Wedding

"Is this my fourth of fifth wedding?"
"Mrs. Palin, please, enough with the celebratory gunfire"
"Do you take this woman to be your future ex-wife?"
"Oh crap. I'm sitting next to Bill O'Reilly"
"They have a tent in case it rains. No wait, those are Rush's pants"
"Oh crap. I'm sitting next to Sean Hannity"
"I missed the bridal bouquet, but I hope to catch the prenup"
"Oh crap. I'm sitting next to Ann Coulter"
"It's ironic that a guy named 'Rush' takes 20 minutes to walk down the aisle"
"Did he just eat the whole cake?"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Rush Limbaugh was married this weekend. Sorry ladies, he’s off the market.

This was his fourth marriage. He blames the first three breakups on Obama.

Elton John sang at Rush Limbaugh’s wedding. According to Rush, gay people can sing at other peoples’ weddings, just not at their own.

With e-mail and text messaging, we’ve become a paperless society — except maybe in Arizona.

Jimmy Kimmel Live


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama is going to visit India this November, in response to Prime Minister Singh’s invitation, though mostly, he’s going over there to visit our jobs.

Vice President Joe Biden is on the first leg of his African tour, which includes visits to Egypt, Kenya, and South Africa. The second leg of the tour will be when he goes back to all the countries to apologize for everything he said during the first leg.

Veteran White House reporter Helen Thomas has just resigned after she said Israelis should “get the hell out of Palestine.” Thomas hasn’t been in this much trouble since she told President Lincoln to stop whining and put a Band-Aid on it.

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