Tuesday Nov 17 2009

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama was in China yesterday. To foster a spirit of goodwill, he wore the traditional clothes made by the children of China: L.L. Bean, J Crew, Banana Republic, Nike, Reebok . . .

Experts now say that China wants a bigger role in world events. Really? What, being our landlord isn’t enough?

Liz Cheney said on Fox News that her father, former Vice President Dick Cheney, should run for President in 2012. In fact, that’s apparently in the Mayan calendar too. Dick Cheney becomes president, then the world ends.

That’s the No. 1 movie at the box office this week. The end-of-the-world action film, “2012.” In the movie, California is crumbling, America is in shambles, and people are forced to abandon their homes. 2012? It should have been called “2009.”


Chinese President Hu Jintao had dinner with President Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Experts say that the relations between the two sides remain icy, but that Obama and Jintao got along great.

Some critics are saying President Obama made a faux pas when greeting the emperor of Japan because he did the traditional bow but mixed in a handshake. And to make matters worse, Obama then tried to get out of that with an awkward end-of-a-blind-date “half-hug.”

In her new book “Going Rogue,” Sarah Palin says she doesn’t like vegetarians. Apparently Palin says all vegetarians should go back to Vegetaria, where they came from.

Also in her book she says that when she first laid eyes on her future husband she said out loud, “Thank you, God.” Which is the same thing the Democrats said when they first laid eyes on Sarah Palin.

Late Show with David Letterman

NASA launched a missile at the moon to determine if there’s water. Well, they found about 25 gallons — 25 gallons! The project cost $79 million. You thought bottled water was expensive . . .

I’m just glad they didn’t find oil on the moon because there’s a pretty good chance we’d have to invade.

President Obama is in China; they’re touring him around. Today he got to see where they keep all our money.

He met with Chinese leaders who complained about the U.S. economy. Obama complained about leaky takeout cartons.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs Your NFL Team Owner Is Nuts

Married to a tackling dummy
Team plays in North Carolina, builds new stadium in North Dakota
Only reason he hired head coach was because he had his own whistle
Encourages vendors to sell beer to players during game
Asked owner of Detroit Lions for tips on building a winner
He just tested positive for steroids
Pregame pep talk — asks team to lose by more than seven-and-a-half
Thinks "Things More Fun Than Reading The Sarah Palin Memoir" isn't funny
His motto: "If we want to win as a team, we shower as a team"
Gives players the weekend off
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Sarah Plain’s book, “Going Rogue,” hit bookstores yesterday. Her book is full of shocking revelations, some of which even shocked John McCain, who said, “I ran for president?”

President Obama is meeting with top Chinese officials. Our relationship with China has changed over the years . . . we used to stand head and shoulders over all other nations. We were like Alec Baldwin towering over all the other Baldwins.

They are now our competitors. But if we’re going to have to battle them for supremacy, we’re going to be in trouble — they have more than a billion people. We’re going to need a lot more Octo-Moms.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Sarah Palin’s book came out today. She did an interview with Oprah yesterday, she did “Good Morning America” today, and she’s scheduled for “Barbara Walters” on Friday. If you’re a moose in Alaska, having her out on the road is a nice break.

Her book is No. 1 on Amazon. Stephen King has a very scary book that’s No. 2: It’s called, “Sarah Palin Becomes President.”

This is crazy: Russia’s Prime Minister Vladimir Putin appeared on Russia’s version of MTV. The crowd loved him . . . as they’re legally required to do. When the hip hop began, though, he looked very uncomfortable.

Meanwhile, our very own President Obama is in China for summit meetings and Chinese food.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The President is in China now, and he had 71 cars in his motorcade to drive from the airport to Beijing — 71 cars. One car for the president, two for the Secret Service, and 68 for Obama's advisers on the environment.

They didn't need 71 cars. Trust me, I've been to China — they can fit nine guys on a scooter and still have room for a crate of fish.

While he was there, Obama toured the Forbidden City, also known as the Imperial Palace. Bill Clinton once visited the Forbidden City and the Imperial Palace, but they were both strip clubs in Vegas.

During her interview on “Oprah,” yesterday, Sarah Palin said running for president in 2012 is “not on her radar screen right now.” Which was really, really upsetting . . . for Democrats.

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