Wednesday May 26 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The Gulf oil spill is getting so bad that next fall, seawater will be $4 a gallon.

President Obama is becoming frustrated about the oil spill and he reportedly said, “Plug the damn hole.” That’s the same thing he says whenever Joe Biden starts talking.

The market had such a bad day that over at Merrill Lynch, they tried to lynch Merrill.

A Massachusetts man was taken to the hospital this week after being sucked into a sausage-making machine. They’re calling him a “manwich.”

Late Show with David Letterman

This week is Fleet Week in New York City. A couple of sailors ran into former Gov. Eliot Spitzer and asked him where they could find some girls.

Summer is just around the corner. I can tell because the UPS guy asked me to put sun block on his legs.

Memorial Day Weekend is ahead. I know it’s a few days away, but you want to get a jump on being stuck at the airport for 24 hours.

A lot of barbecues this weekend. Those ice caps just aren’t melting fast enough.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I want you all to know something. To me, you’re all American idols.

Lee Dewyze is the new karaoke champion. I don’t know who he took the crown from, but the important thing is that it’s over.

It was Simon Cowell’s last night on “American Idol.” He had a special way of telling us that we suck.

Now the only people that we have to yell at us are Judge Judy and Dr. Phil.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Last night was the finale of “Dancing With the Stars” and Kate Gosselin made an appearance. I don’t want to say it was bad, but this morning, the Pakistani Taliban took credit for it.

I heard that Tiger Woods is building a new house in Florida. You can tell it’s Tiger’s house because it has a front, a back, and a side that nobody knows about.

At a shareholders meeting, Amazon’s CEO said that a color version of the Kindle is still a long way out. Then Apple stood up and said, “No it isn’t.”

The NBA is coming out with edible basketball logos that can be placed on a pizza. Of course, any pizza with the Knicks logo on it has to come with a choke hazard.

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