Tuesday May 25 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Today is National Tap Dancing Day. It’s the day we honor BP executives trying to explain the Gulf oil disaster.

More fallout from the BP oil spill today. It turns out that Spongebob found tar balls in his squarepants.

Sarah Palin says that President Obama should grasp the complexity of the situation. Sarah Palin is giving advice on complexity — was Snooki from “Jersey Shore” unavailable?

At the Shanghai World Expo, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton passed out teddy bears to Chinese children. The children politely accepted the bears — even though they made them.

Late Show with David Letterman

It was so nice out today that I spent the whole afternoon in Central Park fly-casting for rats.

On a day like this, you don’t mind losing your shirt in the stock market.

My portfolio is shrinking so fast that my relatives are panicking.

It’s Fleet Week in New York City. It’s the only time of the year that I don’t feel silly walking around in a sailor suit.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Joining the Military

Can I keep my long, stringy, greasy hair? (Petty Officer First Class John Belli)
Do my years at Old Navy count? (Petty Officer Third Class Melissa Robinson)
Will the other dudes like my long, stringy, greasy hair? (First Lieutenant Jason Collins)
Will "don't ask, don't tell" interfere with my Ricky Martin fan club? (Petty Officer First Class Michael Scalia)
Will the military support my obesity-driven lifestyle? (Corporal Brady Sullen)
Am I only doing this for the government socks? (Ensign Naomi Reynolds)
Will they let me sleep in? (Petty Officer Third Class Timika Whaley)
When do I get to meet Iron Man? (Lieutenant Junior Grade Jasmine Barnard)
Do I get a jetpack? (Petty Officer Second Class Sade Moore)
Oh no, am I going to miss "Sex and the City 2"? (Lieutenant Commander Jason Alecksek)
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

In the wake of the Sarah Ferguson bribery scandal, Queen Elizabeth may strip Ferguson’s title. But if you really want to see a Ferguson stripped by wrinkly old queen, watch my floor show.

Dell has announced that it is releasing a competitor for the iPad. It’s a great alternative for people that own an iPad but are fed up with it working all the time.

The word “geek” used to be a label that people were ashamed of, but now people embrace it. It’s like being called an “outlaw,” or a “Kardashian.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Jesse James apologized to Sandra Bullock on “Good Morning America,” and then he apologized again on “Nightline.” He was planning to apologize again on “Wife Swap,” but decided against it.

President Obama has reached a deal with Congress to replace the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy on gays and lesbians in the military with a “whoever felt it dealt it” policy.

A new study has found that use of Viagra can double your chances of hearing loss. What?

The FDA may be on the verge of approving Viagra for women. They say the chemicals in it may reduce the incidence of fake headaches before bed.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

BP wants Twitter to shut down a fake BP account that is mocking the oil company. In response, Twitter wants BP to shut down the oil leak that’s ruining the ocean.

The White House is backing a new plan to repeal “don’t ask, don’t tell.” They want to relax the harsh standard and implement their new policy called “Just try not to make it super obvious, Gary.”

I heard that Paul McCartney invited the Jonas Brothers to his tribute at the White House next Wednesday because he thinks of them as the “next Beatles.” The Jonas Brothers were like, “That's so nice of you — who are The Beatles?”

After their boat capsized off the coast of Florida last week, three people survived for three days by clinging to a cooler. The three of them are described as “the best of friends,” and a fourth guy was described as “delicious.”

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