Monday May 24 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

A judge has ordered Lindsay Lohan to wear an alcohol detector. She said, “Great. This will help me find alcohol?”

The oil spill is so bad that yesterday I checked the oil in my car and it had sea water in it.

They’re saying now that the currents may carry the oil up the East Coast as far as the Carolinas. In fact, people in North Carolina say they haven’t seen anything that slick and slimy since John Edwards’ campaign.

Mexican President Felipe Calderon lashed out at Arizona over their immigration law. He said that Mexicans should boycott sneaking into this country until that law is repealed.

Late Show with David Letterman

How many of you are here tonight just because you couldn’t get in to see the Dalai Lama?

The Dalai Lama is appearing at Radio City Music Hall. It’s part of his bid to host “Saturday Night Live.”

I talked to my stock broker the other day and he said everything is going to be fine. Then the prison guards took him away.

The guy that invented the ATM died, but he left his family $10 million — in $20s.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Sarah Ferguson Excuses

“Too complicated to explain, but it has to do with ‘Lost’”
“Woozy from Iceland volcano ash”
“Needed money to buy $20 ‘Shrek’ tickets — Can you believe these prices, people?”
“Hey, I waived the $12 service charge”
“Had to buy a fortnight’s worth of petrol for the lorry”
“Audition tape for new reality show ‘Bribing With the Stars’”
“How else am I supposed to support myself without getting a job?”
“Prince Andrew is so dull, he should be the one paying people to talk to him”
“Any press is good press”
“I’ll tell you my excuse for $500,000”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Sarah Ferguson, the former Duchess of York, has been busted for taking a bribe from a tabloid reporter. If you want more details about this, google the words “Ferguson” and “embarrassment,” and pass through the five pages of stuff about me.

I had to watch the last episode of “24” because I heard there was a terrifying car chase. And that was just Kiefer Sutherland trying to get home.

There was a huge art theft in Paris. The problem there is that the guards can be distracted by unfiltered cigarettes and stinky cheese.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

People keep asking me if I know what happened during the finale of “Lost.” I don’t know what happened, but that doesn’t stop me from telling other people that their theories are wrong.

Lindsay Lohan appeared in court here in L.A. this morning, which means two more weeks of spring.

The judge ordered Lohan to wear an alcohol-detecting device. A lot of drunk drivers have to wear these after they get a DUI, but when you’re a celebrity, you can’t just wear what other people wear. People look to you for leadership when it comes to fashion.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Facebook and MySpace have been releasing user information to advertisers, and now Facebook users are being targeted with ads for the new smart phones. And MySpace users are getting ads for this new thing called “Facebook.”

This week is National Safe Boating Week. Step No. 1 in boating safety: Don’t light a match near the ocean.

Researchers have discovered that male fat is different from female fat. Well, sure. Male fat can be canceled out by wealth.

This past weekend was Pac-Man’s 30th anniversary. Ms. Pac-Man was like, “I don’t care what we do just as long as we don’t stay in and eat ghosts again.”

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