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Wednesday May 19 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Larry King and his wife have called off their divorce. They both had to make concessions: His wife no longer has to say “King me,” and Larry agreed to wear a “Do Not Resuscitate” sign.

The Pulitzer Prize for fiction was handed out today. It was given to Richard Blumenthal for his Vietnam war claims.

Blumenthal is under fire for claiming that he served in Vietnam, when he actually didn’t. The only combat experience he has is shooting himself in the foot.

BP has inserted a siphon tube to suck up all the oil out of the damaged Gulf well. They have a lot of experience in this area. It’s the same tube they’ve been using to suck the money out of our wallets for years.

Late Show with David Letterman

The season finale of “Lost” is coming up. I know how the show ends — their luggage shows up.

“Law & Order” has been canceled and as a result, pretend murders are up 33 percent.

Did you ever watch “Ghost Whisperer” on CBS? Every week, the ghost whisperer would run errands for dead people. Tune in this week, because she’s trying to find a job for Arlen Specter.

Eliot Spitzer may get his own show on CNN. It would be quite a switch for somebody else to be paying him for an hour.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Spoilers for the ‘Lost’ Finale

10
I watched — didn’t understand a thing
9
Hurley spends the whole show shaking sand out of his underpants
8
We just took an old “Love Boat” script and just changed the names
7
Due to pressure from the internet, we’ve been forced to include Betty White
6
When they hear about the economy, unemployment, and the oil leak, castaways decide to stay on the island
5
Features lots of creepy “Ben” dialogue
4
John Locke walks around with metal detector looking for nickels
3
Jimmy Buffett washes ashore and performs “Margaritaville”
2
We reveal that the island is a metaphor, or an allegory, or some crap like that
1
Final scene — Carlton and I get paid and drive home in our expensive cars
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Pete Townsend of “The Who” turns 65 today. He has won a Grammy award, a Tony award, and best of all, today, he gets a lifetime supply of Metamucil.

Peter Mayhew also has a birthday today. He played Chewbacca in the “Star Wars” movies. Chewbacca and Pete Townsend are very different. One is a big hairy ape who, I think, is secretly in love with Harrison Ford, and the other one is Chewbacca.

Today is International Museum Day. Museums are an important part of our culture, and they need an international day, just like pancakes, which have an international house.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Yesterday, Justin Bieber was nominated for a BET award. BET stands for Black Entertainment Television. Justin Bieber is none of those things.

I don’t know how Justin Bieber was nominated for a BET award. This is what happens when you let Stevie Wonder choose the nominees.

In Louisiana, BP claims that it’s making progress with the leaking oil in the Gulf. They’re working on a plan to heat the Gulf up to 600 degrees and use it to fry chicken.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

During a speech in Ohio yesterday, President Obama reminded the crowd that the economy was much worse a year ago. Then the crowd reminded him that he was already president a year ago.

During halftime at the Celtics-Magic playoff game last night, a referee threw a basketball at an obnoxious, rowdy fan. The ref shouldn’t have done that, but on the bright side . . . I got a free basketball.

According to new research, unattractive defendants are 22 percent more likely to be convicted than good-looking ones. Although to be fair, the good-looking defendants have a much harder time after they're convicted.

A new study found that the average man tells 1,092 lies a year. I’m sorry, I don’t know why I said that — it’s actually 1,091.

 
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