Monday May 17 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

For the first time, an Arab-American, Rima Fakih, won Miss USA. Rima is very excited and she hopes this will help get her name off the No-Fly list.

Scientists have developed a car that can run on water. The only problem is that the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico.

British Petroleum is starting to get defensive. Their new slogan is, “Yeah, like you’ve never spilled anything before.”

Sarah Palin and George Bush both have books coming out this fall. This could plunge America into a huge crayon shortage.

Late Show with David Letterman

BP has lowered a hose down to the oil spill in the Gulf. They’re pumping the leaking oil up to a tanker. The bad news is that the tanker is the Exxon Valdez.

Miss Michigan won the Miss USA pageant. Congratulations to Miss Michigan. John McCain has already selected her as his next running mate.

Sadly, Miss Arizona could not be at the pageant. She was being detained by the authorities.

Arizona may lose their hockey team, the Coyotes. Authorities became suspicious that some of the players might be Canadian.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

A fertility clinic is now offering parents the option to select the eye and hair color of their babies. Don’t you miss the days when people would just get pregnant, have their eight babies, and go on “Entertainment Tonight”?

We have as a guest tonight Archbishop Desmond Tutu. I’m going to ask the question that’s on everyone’s mind: “As a bishop, do you always have to move diagonally?”

Desmond Tutu is from South Africa, which I think is a fantastic name for a country, because it tells you exactly where it is.

Jimmy Kimmel Live


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

At a rally this weekend, Sarah Palin said, “We’re all Arizonans now." At which point every immigrant in Arizona was like, "So . . . we can stay?"

In a new interview, BP’s CEO Tony Hayward said the Gulf oil spill is “relatively tiny” compared to the “very big ocean.” That’s like telling someone who’s just been shot not to worry about the bullet, because they’re really, really fat.

A woman in Texas was arrested for shooting at a census worker who wouldn’t leave her property. The census worker was pretty committed to her job, though. Even as she was being fired at, she was like, "Is that your only firearm? Do you share it with a loved one, a spouse, or a common-law partner?”

A new study found that wine stored in boxes loses its flavor after six months. Although if your thing is boxed wine, I doubt you’re the kind of guy who keeps it for more than six months.

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