Friday May 14 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

This has not been a good day if you’re a BP stockholder with playoff tickets for game seven with the Cavaliers.

Phoenix, Ariz. is getting its first-ever Hispanic bishop. He will be appointed July 19, and then deported July 20.

Nancy Pelosi told Catholic leaders they need to support the Democratic version of immigration reform, and to preach it from the pulpit. She would have said more but she had to leave to attend a rally for the separation of church and state.

President Obama said he’s angry and frustrated with the oil spill in the Gulf and the oil companies behind it. He said he’s tired of all the finger-pointing — then he blamed the Bush administration for everything.

Late Show with David Letterman

Tonight is our season finale. Usually, you only have a season finale when Jay Leno wants your time slot.

Does anyone here remember the Gulf of Mexico? Well, it’s gone.

Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan has never argued in a court before. But being from New York, she’s argued in delis, cabs, airports, etc.

Elena Kagan is very smart. For instance, she knew back in the ‘90s that Ricky Martin was gay.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Ways BP Can Improve Its Image

Change "BP" from "British Petroleum" to "Bunnies and Puppies"
Scrap the snotty British accents
Cry on "Oprah"
Take a page from AFLAC. New mascot: wise-cranking oil-soaked duck
Find bin Laden
Start making cookies. Who doesn't love cookies?
What's wrong with our image?
Switch from "Drill Baby Drill" to "Help Daddy Help"
Instead of their image, maybe they can focus on fixing the damn leak!
For goodness sakes, get Iron Man to do something!
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

NBC canceled “Law & Order” after 20 seasons. It’s too bad, but they had to make room for the new Jay Leno show, “Jaw & Order.”

An 87-year-old woman in Florida was arrested for selling crack cocaine. She was sentenced to two months in jail — or as she calls it “life.”

“Robin Hood” opens this weekend. Robin Hood is famous for stealing from the rich and giving to the poor, which made him a folk hero in 12th century England. Nowadays, we call that sort of thing “communism.”

If someone was stealing from the rich and giving to the poor in America, Glenn Beck would go insane — more insane.

Jimmy Kimmel Live


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