Thursday May 13 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

According to the top people in the petroleum industry, the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico will not affect gas prices. They were going up anyway.

One in 8 people are saying that they will not buy gas from BP any more. That is, unless they’re cheaper than the gas station across the street.

They tried a big dome to stop the leak and that didn’t work, and then they tried a little dome and that didn’t work, and then they tried to stuff the hole with garbage. Now they’re talking about dumping lettuce and croutons into the Gulf and declaring it a giant salad.

Following their financial meltdown, bankers in Iceland are being thrown in jail. The prosecution is using a little-known thing called “justice.”

Late Show with David Letterman

It’s such a beautiful day in New York City that the terrorists are using propane tanks for barbecues.

How about that oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico — or as they renamed it, the “Dead Sea.”

According to a new study, a telephone call from your mom helps to relieve stress. There really is nothing more soothing than, “How come I never hear from you?”

Britain has a new prime minister named David Cameron. He was delayed for days after the election because Al Gore demanded a recount.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Win The Miss USA Pageant

Last job: Jenny Craig "before" model
Your skin resembles the Geico lizard
As Miss Arizona, your talent: harassing folks who don't belong here
You answer every question with, "Who wants to know?"
There's a Facebook campaign to let Betty White win
Often mistaken for character actor Randy Quaid
You're too busy watching Dave throw junk off the roof
Keep referring to pageant owner Donald Trump as "Captain Haircut"
Instead of a sash, you have "Miss New Jersey" tattooed on your butt
Upon meeting you, Tiger Woods said, "Nah, I'm good"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

They’ve just noticed that the planet Jupiter is missing one of its rings. They should try looking in Uranus.

Economists are saying that a college degree may not be necessary to succeed in life. Look at me, I didn’t go to college and here I am. Seriously kids, go to college.

You always hear about the late night wars, but you never hear about the daytime wars, and that’s because no one dares to compete against Oprah. She’s like the Kraken, but helpful.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I’ve never been more glad that I’m not a Gulf shrimp than I am today.

The state of Hawaii passed a new law allowing the state government to ignore requests for President Obama’s birth certificate from the “Birthers.” From now on, every future president should be required to be born on camera and in front of a national landmark.

Obesity-related illnesses cost around $150 billion a year, and cause long-term health problems for our children. But on the plus side, the fatter they are, the less likely it is that they’ll run away from home.

You have to weigh everything. Not just the kids — everything.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

A hotel in the United Arab Emirates has installed a vending machine in its lobby that dispenses gold bars and gold coins. You think you get frustrated when your Doritos get stuck in the machine? Try losing a bar of gold.

A woman in Britain is selling wallabies as a good alternative to lawnmowers. They say the wallabies work just as well as regular mowers — until you get drunk and try to ride one of them into town.

A new study found that a certain species of fish has a gene that can cause STDs in humans. So if you get an embarrassing STD, you now have the perfect excuse — just say you got it from that trout you slept with.

A survey found that 20 percent of parents have second thoughts on the name they gave their baby. But that doesn’t mean we love you any less, little Adolf Jonas Brothers McGillicutty.

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