Wednesday May 12 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

BP, Transocean, and Halliburton are all blaming each other for the Gulf oil spill. And you know what? They’re all right.

A man in his 70s known as the “geezer bandit” has held up his ninth bank. He says he’s going to keep robbing banks until he finds one with money in it.

Happy birthday to the birth control pill, which turns 50 years old this week. You know what that means? If you’re 51, there’s a good chance that your parents didn’t want you.

The new Coors Light case of beer has a window in it, and when it turns blue, that means you know your beer is cold. That’s way more convenient than the old way: touching the cans.

Late Show with David Letterman

BP is now dispersing dispersants to counter the oil spill in the Gulf. I think we can trust BP with toxic chemicals, don’t you?

They’re also trying to plug the oil leak with shredded tires and old golf balls. It’s like the front lawn at Tiger Woods’ house.

Larry King and his wife are now not getting a divorce. Apparently there was a scheduling conflict with his next wedding.

Out in Nebraska, there’s a guy who wraps himself up in toilet paper and commits robberies. He’s calling himself “Osama bin Charmin.”

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Surprises At The Senate Oil Spill Hearing

We may be moving to Mars sooner than we thought
Proceedings hosted by the delightful Betty White
Executives stalled by doing "Glee"-style musical number
BP promised to never destroy the environment again
Half of the questions were about whether LeBron should come to the Knicks
BP chairman kept doing hilarious "the oily bird catches the worm" joke
Out of habit, CEO from Toyota showed up
Amazing how sleazy those lying bastards are. And the oil executives were worse! Now stay tuned for Jaywalking!
Everyone seems excited about Late Show's Close-Up Magic Week
We'll get Iron Man to fix it
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s the beginning of the Cannes Film Festival. Everyone that matters in TV and movies is in Cannes right now — which explains why I’m here.

How can you judge movies? It’s very subjective. You can’t compare a movie like “Police Academy” to a real work of art like “Police Academy 7.”

The top prize at the festival is the “Palme d’Or.” It sounds fancy but it translates to “straight to DVD.”

The judges gave Roman Polanski the Palme d’Or a few years ago. That was back when Polanski wanted to appear before judges.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

“American Idol” is the BP oil spill of television. No matter what we do with it, we cannot get it to stop.

Larry King and his wife are not getting divorced despite allegations of cheating. The family spokesman said Larry loves his wife, and loves being a family, and when they started to divide the property, he realized how ridiculous he would look wearing only one suspender.

BP still has not managed to stop the oil leak in the Gulf. The plan now is to plug the leak this week with a “top hat.” But first they have to find an enormous game of monopoly that has the piece.

They’re considering a plan to fire golf balls and rubber tires into the leak to clog it. Toyota and Tiger Woods may finally have a chance to redeem themselves after all.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Disney is partnering with a South Korean company to launch a Korean-language Disney channel. Mickey will still be known as “Mickey,” and Minnie will still be known as “Minnie.” However, Pluto will now be known as “Delicious.”

Police in Cairo have detained an American man who arrived from JFK with two handguns, 250 bullets, swords, daggers, and knives in his luggage. When they heard this, JFK screeners were like, “Sure he had all those things but what he didn’t have was bottled water or nail clippers.

Prison inmates in Louisiana are now pitching in to clean up the Gulf oil spill. At this point, the solutions have been: dump chemicals into the ocean, shoot a bunch of garbage underwater, and release prisoners. If none of that works, they’re going to have al-Qaida come take a look at it.

Sarah Palin has a new book coming out called “America by Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith, and Flag.” Coincidentally, “Faith” and “Flag” are the two names Palin has picked out if she ever has twins.

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