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Tuesday May 11 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

That idea about using a concrete dome to cover up the oil leak in the Gulf did not work. Experts are calling this the worst use of a concrete dome since they built that stadium for the Detroit Lions.

Congress told BP that they can’t “label this catastrophic failure an unpredictable and unforeseeable occurrence.” Congress used that excuse already for not catching the financial meltdown in time.

Greece is a relatively small country, much like a state in the U.S. But it overspent and over-borrowed, promised expensive pension plans, overtaxed, and it over-regulated business. So the state it would be here is California.

In Colorado, one of the gubernatorial candidates has taken out a Craigslist ad to find a running mate. Is that a good idea? It didn’t work so well when John McCain tried it.

Late Show with David Letterman

The BP executives responsible for the big oil spill in the Gulf testified before Congress. They were criticized by the same guys that approved drilling in the Gulf.

According to a new study, humans, at some point in history, mated with Neanderthals. You can see the results every week on “Jersey Shore.”

Europe has authorized the financial bailout for Greece. Greece is like the world’s new brother-in-law.

They say that the check being written for Greece is the biggest check ever written — until Tiger Woods gets divorced.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through Dallas Braden's Mind While He Threw His Perfect Game

10
"Grandma's right. Stick it, A-Rod"
9
"I did it! Oh crap, it's only the 4th inning"
8
"Seriously, how cool a name is Dallas Braden?"
7
"Now maybe Justin Bieber will notice me"
6
"I must not tell the world I'm Iron Man"
5
"This is something they can never take away from me. But for $50,000 you can have my glove"
4
"Next pitch, eyes closed"
3
"Even I've never heard of me"
2
"I should give up one hit so I won't have to do Letterman"
1
"Maybe I can give Kate Hudson a call"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Tyra Banks is writing a new series of kids’ books. She is the first supermodel to write a kids’ book since Kate Moss wrote “Green Eggs and Crack.”

Google’s new Android phone is outselling Apple’s iPhone. I don’t know what an Android can do, besides dance the robot or become the governor of California.

A new study says that 77 percent of people admitted using their phones while driving. The other 23 percent are lying.

President Obama said that we rely too much on gadgets. He gave a passionate speech about technology, but he had to stop when the teleprompter broke.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The June edition of Playboy magazine will be printed in 3-D. Haven’t we had that for a while? It’s called a strip club.

Tiger Woods’ swing coach announced that he is quitting. Apparently he discovered that Tiger had 19 other swing coaches around the country.

The swing coach quit by text message, which is like karma shooting a hole-in-one.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

BP is now using a special containment dome called a "top hat" that shoots methanol into the oil leak. A top hat that shoots methanol? That doesn't sound like an emergency device — that sounds like something Lady Gaga would wear to the VMAs.

The Department of Agriculture has decided to set new, stricter salmonella standards for poultry. I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure the standard should just be “no salmonella allowed.”

A physics professor recently noticed a 99-year-old error in the Oxford English Dictionary that mistakenly defines the word “siphon.” In response, Oxford has sent the man a certificate, which correctly defines the word "nerd."

A report found that hotel guests ordered fewer movies in the first quarter of this year than last year. That probably has something to do with the fact that golf has gotten so "porny."

 
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