Monday May 10 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The government announced today that they’re making big changes to the No-Fly list. Apparently, asking terrorists to be on the honor system has not been working.

It was reported that Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan used to date Eliot Spitzer when they were both at Harvard but he denied it. Spitzer said he didn’t start dating until well after he was married.

The Obama administration has revealed the size of America’s nuclear arsenal. We have 1,000 warheads aimed at China, 1,000 aimed at Russia, and the rest aimed at Fox News.

Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood said that soon, the U.S. will reopen the Mexican border to trucks. This came as a shock to Mexican truck drivers, who didn’t even know it was closed.

Late Show with David Letterman

It was chilly in Times Square this weekend. The tourists were huddling around smoking SUVs.

The State Department has warned against travel to the tribal regions of Pakistan. There goes my summer vacation.

I had lunch today at the Oyster Bar. The only shrimp in the whole restaurant was Mayor Bloomberg.

According to a new study, modern human beings bred with neanderthals. Well, it sure didn’t work for Sandra Bullock.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From A Guy Dressed As Iron Man

"May the Force be with you, or whatever the hell Iron Man says"
"I made this suit out of old Dr. Pepper cans"
"Come back Thursday . . . I'll be dressed as Wonder Woman"
"Robert Downey Jr. goes to A-list parties and I'm stuck here talking to a schmuck like you"
"My suit is impenetrable, but we can change that later — Hiyo!"
"I'm from the Arizona border patrol. May I see your citizenship papers?"
"I slept with Gwyneth Paltrow and Scarlett Johansson. Punch hands"
"It's my archenemy: The Blob"
"Do you have a wrench? I think my nuts may be loose"
"My rocket's busted. Can I get a ride back to Queens?"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

President Obama nominated Elena Kagan to be the next Supreme Court justice, against the advice of Joe Biden, who wanted Iron Man.

A porn star from Poland claims that she has been having an affair with Mel Gibson. I thought Mel would have gone for a German.

Britain’s current prime minister, Gordon Brown, announced that he is stepping down and his replacement might be the education secretary, a gentleman named Ed Balls. I would like to make a plea on behalf of late night talk show hosts and bad comedians everywhere — I implore the voters of Britain to make sure that happens.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Oprah did her show from New York to celebrate the 10th anniversary of O magazine. Dr. Phil allowed them to shave his moustache, which is currently being used to sop up oil in the Gulf.

Bobby Brown got engaged over the weekend. They say it’s the first time he’s been on one knee without the help of a police taser.

I tweeted a lot this weekend. It’s amazing how you can go from thinking Twitter is the biggest waste of time ever to it actually becoming the biggest waste of time ever.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Tiger Woods withdrew from the Players Championship yesterday and said, “I’ve been playing with a bad neck for quite a while, I might have a bulging disk.” Then, reporters started giggling and Tiger had to repeat "I said bulging disk. Come on guys, grow up."

A man was detained at an airport in Pakistan with electrical circuits and batteries in his shoes. Authorities weren’t buying his excuse — “Hello, I am a robot, my name is Wall-E.”

BP engineers are working on a plan to shoot different types of garbage into the Gulf oil leak to clog it up. People on the Gulf Coast are like “Do whatever you have to do to end this,” while fish on the Gulf Coast are like “You’re kidding me.”

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