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Thursday May 06 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Yesterday was Cinco de Mayo and today was Cinco de Dow Jones.

The market was so bad today that Goldman Sachs had to lay off three congressmen.

Greece has overspent on large social programs, with a national debt so large that they can never pay it back. Thank God that could never happen here.

British Petroleum is planning to stop the oil leak in the “Gulf of Texaco” by lowering a box down over the leak. Who thought of this, Wile E. Coyote?

Late Show with David Letterman

It was hot in Arizona today. Folks there were fanning themselves with their birth certificates.

They’re saying that Faisal Shahzad did a dry run before the bombing attempt in Times Square. Here at the show, we call that rehearsal.

There is some good news for Shahzad. They’re saying he made the Taliban’s blooper reel.

Now, the only ticking time bomb in New York City is Naomi Campbell.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s Election Day in Britain. I’m excited about it as you are. And I know you’re excited about this as Mel Gibson is about Hanukkah.

It looks like David Cameron of the Conservative Party might win. The Conservatives are like the Republicans, except with bad teeth.

The prime minister now is Gordon Brown of the Labor party. He has spent more time in Labor than the Octomom.

I don’t really follow British politics since coming to America. I follow American politics, which is why I support whichever political party you support.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I finally signed up for Twitter yesterday. I waited to do it because I was afraid it would ruin my life — and it did.

It turns out the suspect in the failed Times Square bombing is not the brightest. He left the keys to the getaway car and the key to his apartment in the SUV with the bomb in it. Maybe it was really a bong in the car and not a bomb.

We should probably let him out to join the Taliban. He could destroy them from within.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Royal Caribbean says that 94 people got sick with vomiting and diarrhea on one of its cruises. BP was like, “Good luck cleaning that up.”

An employee at NBC won the $266 million lottery jackpot. The last time anyone at NBC made that much money, they were being paid to leave the “Tonight Show.”

The night before leaving his bomb-packed SUV in Times Square, Faisal Shahzad did a practice run with a white Isuzu. People became suspicious when they realized it was 2010 and someone was still driving an Isuzu.

 
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