Wednesday May 05 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Happy Cinco de Mayo. This is the only day they do this — if you get pulled over for drunk driving, they put salt around the rim of the breathalyzer.

Cinco de Mayo is a holiday celebrated by over 80 million Mexicans — and that’s just here in Los Angeles.

Yesterday was “Youth Day” in China, so the kids only had to work a 15-hour day.

The United Nations has appointed Iran to sit on the Women’s Rights panel. Also on the panel: Ben Roethlisberger, Chris Brown, Phil Spector, Robert Blake, and chairman, O.J. Simpson.

Late Show with David Letterman

Last night, the audience was awful. It was as quiet in here as Cinco de Mayo in Arizona.

In Arizona, they don’t like immigrants. That’s odd, because right across the border, in California, they elected one as governor.

New York City is very festive for Cinco de Mayo. The mayor had them fill all the potholes with salsa.

There are 200,000 gallons of oil flowing into the Gulf of Mexico. British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things Overheard At BP Headquarters

“Happy Cinco de Mayo. ‘Nother margarita?”
“We got a nice thank you note from the Toyota people”
“Any way we can pin this on the Times Square bomber?”
“We just got a nice thank you note from the Goldman Sachs people.”
“I hope they get Robert Wagner to play me in the TV movie.”
“One day, 10,000 years from now, we’ll be able to look back on this and laugh.”
“Let me tell you something, you can’t buy this kind of publicity.”
“Tell everybody it’s our free oil giveaway bonanza.”
“Everyone gets a bonus.”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Happy Cinco de Mayo. If you don’t know what that means, maybe you’re a little out of touch — or maybe you’re the governor of Arizona.

A lot of the U.S. used to be part of Mexico, including Arizona. But they’re a bit touchy about that right now.

I don’t drink anymore for Cinco de Mayo. I celebrate with Mexican food, or as it’s known in Mexico: “food.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Cinco de Mayo commemorates the Mexican Army’s surprise victory over sobriety back in 1862.

Oddly, Cinco de Mayo is more popular here than in Mexico. Cinco de Mayo to us is what David Hasselhoff is to Germany.

Authorities say Faisal Shahzad, the Times Square bombing suspect, used the wrong kind of fertilizer, which is what happens when you don’t watch Martha Stewart.

It was reported that Shahzad went to terrorist camp in Pakistan. Honestly, who are these parents that are sending their kids to terrorist camp?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

It’s Cinco de Mayo, or as they call it in Arizona: May 5th.

Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias “Barack Obama” while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them.

Nissan is recalling almost 135,000 Infiniti G35s to address an airbag problem. When Toyota heard that, they said, “Airbags! I knew we forgot something.”

A new survey found that 12 percent of parents punish their kids by banning social networking sites. The other 88 percent punish their kids by joining social networking sites.

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