Tuesday May 04 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

They made an arrest in the failed Times Square bombing attack. It turns out the suspect is a foreign-born, naturalized American citizen. He would have been fine in Arizona.

Some of the suspect’s neighbors said he claimed to work on Wall Street. They were relieved to find out he was just a terrorist.

BP has promised to pay for all of the clean-up costs for the spill in the Gulf. They say they don’t care how high they have to raise gas prices, but they’ll pay for it.

Former aides to John Edwards claim that Rielle Hunter lied to Oprah during an interview. You can lie in court, you can lie at work, but when you lie to Oprah, that is downright un-American.

Late Show with David Letterman

It’s so nice today in New York City that people were leaving bombs in convertibles.

The Times Square bomber has been apprehended and I say, “Thank you, Ironman.”

Federal authorities are still investigating how Faisal Shahzad, the suspected Times Square bomber, was able to — find parking on Broadway.

The FBI is saying that this could have been the biggest bomb on Broadway since “Peter Pan” starring Kirstie Alley.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Dumb Guy Ways To Fix The Oil Spill

Have you tried club soda?
Relax, BP says they got it under control
Shhh . . . "Dancing with the Stars" is on
Swiffer that mess
Ask John McCain how they handled the great oil spill of '23
Don't look at me, I voted for Kucinich!
If you got an extension cord, I got a Shop-Vac Wet/Dry
Oil spill?
I thought Ironman was on it
Invade Iraq
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The world’s oldest living person, aged 114, passed away. The cause of death — you guessed it — a knife fight.

This curse of the world’s oldest person continues — they always seem to die.

Today is “Star Wars Day.” The “Star Wars” movies have endured for so long because the characters are iconic. There’s Darth Vader, Obi-Wan Kenobi, that big lovable furry thing — Harrison Ford.

The “force” itself was like a character — an all-powerful presence that dominates the entire galaxy. These days we call it “Oprah.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

They caught the guy that they think tried to bomb Times Square last weekend. It’s amazing that he made it through security and onto an aircraft. I still can’t get my tweezers on the plane.

Lots of oil is still leaking off the coast of Louisiana. BP has a plan to create a giant vinegar spill to turn the Gulf of Mexico into a delicious salad dressing.

It was elimination night on ”Dancing With the Stars.” I don’t like all this eliminating that goes on, it’s so negative. I would like to see a show where they add people every week.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

We caught a suspect in the failed Times Square attack. The suspect says he acted alone — even his bomb wasn’t in on it.

A DMV clerk in Massachusetts hacked into the state computer and cleared her driving record of $1,400 in parking fines. She was arrested for the crime, but rewarded for actually doing something while working at a DMV.

According to the NYPD, the most stolen cars in New York City are Toyotas. Actually, most of them aren’t really stolen — they just take off on their own.

White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said that President Obama is “close” to making a decision on the next Supreme Court justice. And we all know if Obama says he’s close to a decision on something, it could be any year now.

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