Thursday Apr 29 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

About 210,000 gallons of oil per day are leaking into the gulf. That’s equivalent to 10 buckets of fried chicken.

The oil companies are promising to clean this whole mess up and, believe me, if you’ve ever been to a gas station restroom, you know how good they are at cleaning up.

Stephen Hawking says that aliens probably do exist, but that we should not interact with them. He’s even against giving them driver’s licenses.

Late Show with David Letterman

CBS has a show called “The Mentalist,” about a detective with heightened powers of observation. He’s so good, he can tell the difference between a Goldman Sachs executive that’s a lying crook, and a Goldman Sachs executive that’s a lying weasel.

The bad news is that there’s going to be a huge environmental disaster from the oil leak down in the gulf. The good news is, they think the oil spill will be diluted by the melting ice caps.

New York City has opened an all-dog nightclub. It’s the only one of its kind in the world — because it’s stupid.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a native American, that number is more like 300 million.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s one of my favorite days of the year: International Dance Day. It’s one of two things that unite the international community — international dancing and . . . the International House of Pancakes.

Line dancing and square dancing are kind of hard to tell apart, like this show and public access.

The way you dance says a lot about you. My favorite dance is the “Macarena,” so what does that say about me?

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Once again, Los Angeles has been named the smoggiest city in the United States. Take that, hell.

There are fears that the oil spill in the gulf will merge with a massive slick of self-tanner from the cast of “Jersey Shore” in Miami.

Colombian pop singer Shakira was in Phoenix to join the fight against Arizona’s tough new immigration law. It reminds me a lot of the '80s, when the Beastie Boys came to Arizona to fight for our right to party.

I think that if every immigrant looked like Shakira, there would be no immigration laws except the ones that would keep immigrants in the country.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Rielle Hunter appeared on “Oprah” to discuss her love affair with John Edwards. And not to be outdone, next week John Edwards is appearing to discuss his love affair with John Edwards.

A funeral home in Puerto Rico propped up the body of a dead man on a motorcycle for his wake. Some people at the wake called the sight “offensive,” while Sandra Bullock called it “an awesome idea.”

A man on a Delta flight from Paris to Atlanta claimed he had explosives in his luggage. Officials told the man it was a federal offense, while Delta told him he’d have to pay an extra $15 per carry-on bomb.

A man in Florida was arrested at a traffic stop for trying to swallow a baggy of marijuana along with a double cheeseburger. Either he brought the marijuana from home, or McDonalds is making some awesome new combo meals.

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