Wednesday Apr 28 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Arizona has passed the strictest immigration bill in American history. A hundred people have been stopped already — and that was just in one van.

Congress has voted against giving itself a pay raise. They thought giving themselves a pay raise now would be unpopular. I think giving them any pay at all right now is unpopular.

President Obama’s National Security Adviser James L. Jones apologized for telling an ethnic joke at a speech. Political insiders were shocked — someone said something stupid and inappropriate and it wasn’t Joe Biden?

An oil slick the size of Rhode Island is making its way across the Gulf of Mexico. An oil slick the size of Rhode Island — isn’t that called New Jersey?

Late Show with David Letterman

George W. Bush’s memoir is coming out in November. It’s called “Decision Points” and it’s about big decisions in his life. I’ve already made a decision not to read it.

Bush is working very hard on the book, making revisions. In fact, his computer screen is covered with Wite-Out.

They asked him if he used a ghostwriter and he said, “No, the guy’s still alive.”

How many people are here just because you’re hiding from the Arizona police?

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs Your Governor Is Nuts

Signs a bill outlawing illegal immigration, and also legal immigration
Keeps a tip jar on the desk
Claims to be governor of Margaritaville
After meeting with Schwarzenegger, raves, "This guy is a genius!"
Last-minute iPhone calls to commute death sentences fail because he's using AT&T
Signs all legislation with his tongue
Just ordered the deportation of guys named Scott or Todd
Thinks Ricky Martin just needs to find the right girl
Used immigration bill to kick George Lopez out of his time slot
Even Rod Blagojevich thinks the dude is crooked
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson


Jimmy Kimmel Live

Gov. Rick Perry of Texas shot a coyote while he was jogging. Who carries a gun while jogging? I can barely manage my iPod.

I like the idea of runners carrying guns. Think of how interesting the Boston Marathon will be.

The International Olympic Committee stripped China of its bronze medal in the women’s team gymnastics event from the 2000 Olympics because they fielded an underage athlete. Ten years later, when she still hadn’t finished high school, they figured it out.

Stephen Hawking says he does believe in aliens but we shouldn’t try to contact them. I want nothing to do with aliens — I’m fine with Canadians though.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

During a Goldman Sachs hearing yesterday, Sen. Carl Levin used the S-word 11 times on live television when quoting an e-mail. Which begs the question — if a guy swears on C-SPAN and there’s no one watching to hear it, does he really make a sound?

A new survey found that one-third of married women with pets say their animals are better listeners than their husbands. When husbands heard that they were like, "Huh? You say something?"

A woman in Staten Island is facing charges after she gave her daughter’s friend a peanut butter and jelly sandwich containing the painkiller Oxycodone. There was some miscommunication. When the girl asked her to take the edge off, she was just talking about the crust.

Rolls-Royce is offering the Pentagon a special deal on engines for the Joint Strike Fighter jet. Not to be outdone, Toyota is offering a special deal on engines for kamikaze pilots.

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