Tuesday Apr 27 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Stephen Hawking says that not only does he believe that aliens exist, but that we shouldn’t make contact with them, as they could be very angry. Especially aliens from Arizona.

Arizona has recently passed the toughest immigration law in history. The idea behind it is to drive illegal immigrants out of Arizona and back to their homeland of Los Angeles.

The top executive from Goldman Sachs testified before Congress today, which proves that crooks always return to the scene of the crime.

President Obama is now considering approving the development of a hypersonic missile that can deliver its payload anywhere in the world within an hour. It was a joint venture between the U.S. military and Domino’s Pizza.

Late Show with David Letterman

They’ve opened an exclusive nightclub in New York City, just for dogs. This is why the rest of the world hates us.

Arizona has a tough new immigration law. They’re saying it’s not all about keeping Mexicans south of the border. So today, government agents were out looking for Dutch people.

Sen. John McCain supports the new immigration law. It ‘s ironic because he came over on the Mayflower.

George W. Bush’s memoir, “Decision Points,” will be out in November. It’s about some of his key decisions, including the decision to move Jay Leno to 10 p.m.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Ben & Jerry’s was giving out free ice cream and Starbucks was giving out free pastries all day. Everyone is getting cocky because we have free health insurance.

It was announced today that pigeons will have their own reality TV show. It will be hosted by Mike Tyson. He collects pigeons the way Fabio collects my fan letters.

Pigeons are great messengers. They can fly at speeds up to 60 mph. They’re dangerous though, as sometimes they can’t stop in time. They’re like flying Toyotas.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The Senate held hearings on what role Goldman Sachs played in the mortgage meltdown of 2008. They allegedly sold bad mortgages to their clients and then bet against them to make profits for themselves. I think that’s what the “American Idol” judges are doing to us this season with these crappy singers.

They’re down to the final six contestants on “American Idol.” It’s not a great crop of singers this year. They’re thinking of renaming the show “America Doesn’t Got Talent.”

Shania Twain got divorced because her husband was sleeping with her assistant and now Shania is living with the assistant’s husband. She’s like the Larry King of Canada.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The Charlie Brown “Peanuts” brand is going to be sold to Joe Boxer for $175 million. Because nothing’s more macho than a pair of boxer shorts that says “Peanuts” right across the front.

Apparently the Icelandic volcano crisis cost the airline industry more than three billion dollars. Which explains why Delta's new bag-check fee is $400,000.

Amy Winehouse is being treated for bruised ribs after she fell at her home over the weekend. When she got to the hospital, they offered to give her morphine, but she was like, "Nah, it’s cool. I brought my own."

A 15-year-old boy here in New York has been accepted to Harvard, MIT, and Caltech. Though he's still hoping to get accepted by his top choice . . . girls.

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